


Exile

by Ernzo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Swolo, Eventual Smut, Exile, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Pregnancy, Redeemed Ben Solo, Reylo - Freeform, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-20 10:21:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13144629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ernzo/pseuds/Ernzo
Summary: The war is over and the First Order has fallen. Ben has returned home to face his consequences.A story of Rey and Ben finding peace in the aftermath of war as Ben accepts his punishment.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fanfic that I’ve written in about 7 years. Hope everyone enjoys!
> 
> The story is already about 80% written, and I will be updating as I finish. I’m self editing, so forgive any mistakes.

The blaster fire fell silent and Rey turned, frantically, her eyes searching.

She saw the last of the First Order storm troopers were falling to the Resistance fighters and the debris from the air battle was flying all around her.

She was starting to panic, unable to locate the burning red of his ignited lightsaber.

And then she saw him, on the ground and unmoving.

“No,” she breathed and set off running, running, running.

As she reached his side, in the absence of fighting, others had to started to notice.

Kylo Ren was down.

“Ben, please, no,” she gasped as she fell to her knees at his side, her hands fluttering over his arms, a wound on his chest. There was wet blood blooming over his tunic, turning the fabric darker.

His eyes met hers and she felt relieved. He was pale, blood smeared on his cheek but he was not gone.

“Ben, stay with me,” she pleaded and he grimaced but nodded, his eyes closing.

“I need a medic here!” She was yelling, not caring about the looks she was getting from those around her. She dove into the connection of their bond, desperate to feel his life energy, to comfort herself.

“Now, please,” she was begging, tears threatening to fill her eyes.

Finally, she heard footfalls and she looked up to find Finn and Rose, rushing toward her with a med kit and a stretcher. Finn’s eyes searched hers, curious, confused, but he said nothing. Ben’s eyes were still closed and his breathing was shallow. They would have to hurry.

—

Rey sits on a hard chair in the hallway outside of the infirmary. When they had arrived at the base, the medical team had rushed away with Ben and she had been ushered away to recount what had happened to Leia and the others. She had been forced to spend a frustrating amount of time detailing the attack and the ultimate victory for the Resistance. How Ben had come onto the battlefield looking for her and had been struck down by blaster after blaster. But, some how he was still here. She confessed about their bond, not making eye contact with anyone as she spoke, afraid to give away more than she was comfortable sharing. 

When she was finally allowed to leave, she made her way straight for hospital wing, only to be denied entry to his room. The General’s orders she was told. No one was allowed to go in with him. Like he was a rabid animal.

Maybe he was.

But not to her. She saw his true heart. Underneath his plate armor, he was lost. Lost from childhood, trying to discern who he was. His mother was an influential senator who helped promote prosperity in the New Republic. His uncle was Luke Skywalker, the great Jedi who had brought down the Empire and brought peace and balance to the galaxy. His father, the most infamous smuggler from the Core to the Outer Rim.

And he, he had always wanted to be just Ben. Not have to live up to a legacy of being a Skywalker. He wanted to grow beyond it. But he never knew how.

Maybe he could find his purpose now. Excise his demons now that he had come home. Just like she had always known he would. Would he though? Would he be allowed? Would fate give him the opportunity?

But she felt a twinge in her mind and shifted uncomfortably in the hard chair. A nagging, unwelcome seed of doubt. He had done terrible things to many people. He had done terrible things to her. Could she forget those things? Could she ever see him as anything but the man who committed those sins? _Let the past die_. That’s what he had told her so long ago.

He had returned for her. He had left the First Order ship and come to her. He had come for help. But, again the doubt washes over her like a darkness.

Had he truly come to join her? Or take her away? Even after all the hours they spent together, bonded by the Force, she still isn’t sure. Did he truly want to turn back? She doubts he even knows the answer to that.

She enters his mind gently as he sleeps, looking for answers. She follows the line of his dreams as they weave in and out.

He’s dreaming of blue planets, of deep green planets. She sees large event halls full of people. She sees a young, beautiful Leia; a handsome, smiling Han. He dreams of Han falling to his death.

He dreams of Darth Vader. Rey shivers as the images and feelings wash over her. A black helmet, a long black cloak. Darkness. Hatred.

He dreams of her. She shivers again, but this time it’s a warm feeling that vibrates over the bond. Images and flashes of her smile, of her sleeping, of his hands on her skin....

She gasps and pulls herself out of his mind. Her heart is racing and she places a hand over her chest to calm it. The conflict, the duality is devouring him from the inside out.

—

As Rey watches him from the hallway, Leia approaches. She stops next to Rey’s chair and turns to glance at her son. Her expression is grim.

“They won’t let me go in there with him,” Rey starts tentatively, hoping that the General will allow her permission.

“I know.”

Rey sighs. “I don’t know what the point is. You know we are connected through the Force. Being out here is no different than being in there.”

Leia turns her serious expression to Rey.

“What is the point, indeed? If it makes no difference, why are you so eager to go in there?” There’s accusation in her voice. The older woman is wise and knows Rey hasn’t told her the full story. She doesn’t know how they’ve truly connected in the Force. Rey’s cheeks flush.

“I just want to be near him,” Rey concedes.

Leia looks back at Ben’s sleeping form; he’s hooked up to the BACTA suit, his skin pale, deep circles under his eyes. The raw red skin of the wound near his heart visible.

“That’s probably not in your best interests. The leadership has come to a decision about his punishment.” Her voice gives nothing away, but Rey can feel the dread washing over her.

“Are you going to execute him?”

Leia shakes her head.

“No. No.” She insists firmly, still looking at her son. “Many wanted that. Many felt its what he deserves for what he’s done. Maybe he does.” She trailed off solemnly.

“Then what? What’s to be done with him? Sunspot Prison?” Rey’s stomach was churning. Where would he go? Would she ever see him again?

“Ultimately, it’s my decision that’s final. Many think my decision is because he is my son,” Leia hedged.

Rey waited for an answer.

“Exile. On Batuu.”

 _Exile_.

Her heart sank, then anger bubbled to the surface.

“You might as well kill him,” she breathed, trying to keep her anger from spilling over. “He has fought his whole life to find his place, find his purpose and you send him to be alone. Being alone is the last thing he needs. Being alone is what made him Kylo Ren.” She jabs her finger against the glass, her breath coming quickly. “Being alone with himself is his downfall.”

Leia, to her credit, remains impassive. Despite the accusation in Rey’s tone, her face is serene.

The implication hangs heavy between them and Rey instantly regrets her choice of words.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant...” She trails off as Leia holds up her hand.

“I will never pretend that I was the best mother, nor Han the ideal father. But I loved my son. I still love him. This is why I choose to send him away to live. I am his mother, it is my job to give the gift of life to my child. Being away was the hardest thing I did. I did it for him. I did it to create a better galaxy for him to grow up in. I did what I thought was right.” Her voice is soft as she finishes. Her eyes return once more to his lifeless form.

They stand in silence together and Rey focuses on the steady rise and fall of Ben’s chest. They stand there for a long time.

“Rey.”

She’s startled from their heavy silence. She meets Leia’s eyes. They are the same shade of brown as Ben’s.

“Go with him. Don’t let him be alone. Help him find his place. Help him find what he never could with us.”

 


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _But why. Why are you telling me, you must know that I will tell Leia. We could run, we still have time. Your ships won’t reach us until morning. Do you really want this to continue; do you want to keep chasing us?”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He closed the gap between them again. She saw the conflict in his eyes; his whole world was burning down around him._
> 
>  
> 
> _“I will chase you forever, if it means that you are alive.”_

  
To say that Rey had been shocked at Leia’s words would be an understatement. She had been stunned into silence, glancing back and forth between her and Ben, unsure of what to do.

Leia sighed, seeing Rey’s clear panic and indecision.

“You’re no use to him here in this chair, go and rest.” She turned to leave, walking a few steps before stopping and turning back to her. “Just, please think about what I said. I don’t need an answer today or even tomorrow. He can’t go anywhere until he’s well.”

Rey simply nodded, still unable to find her voice.

Even now, in the dark and quiet of her sleeping quarters, she’s still stunned. She finds it hard to quiet her mind, her thoughts are nothing but chaos and turmoil.

_Go with him._

Her first reflex is to say no. She can’t leave her friends, not after everything they have been through together. Not now, when the galaxy is finally at peace. She thinks of Finn and a smile spreads across her face. He is finally happy and free to enjoy peace, without having to run or fear the First Order ever again. Finn, Poe, Rose, and her, they could all travel the galaxy together, find adventure and happiness, something that none of them have ever really had.

But, her thoughts drift to Ben, wounded and pale in the infirmary. She thinks of all their conversations together, how his cold, rage hardened heart had softened for her. She thinks of how her heart had softened for him as well. She thinks of their last conversation, the last time they had spoken before he had walked onto the battlefield looking for her. She had swayed him, just enough to get him to agree to come home. She knew he had never truly conceded to her, to the light, but he had agreed to come, regardless.

 _Rey sat alone, trying to calm her mind for the oncoming storm. The Resistance scout ships had found the First Order fleet in route to their current base. The newest flagship,_ The Reckoning _, at the head of the fleet. The Resistance had worked tirelessly, gaining allies, to prepare for a final stand. The First Order intended for this to be the last battle, they were coming to end the war, and Leia had the same idea. She was prepared for anything the First Order threw at them. This was the final play for both sides. Rey felt calmer than she ever thought she could feel._

_As she sat, legs crossed with her eyes closed, she felt the familiar vacuum pull through the air, followed by the echo of Ben’s ragged breaths behind her._

_“Rey.”_

_His voice was shaking, fearful._

_She turned to face him, an alarmed look on her face. It had been weeks since she had seen him, weeks since the Force had last brought them together. She missed his voice, missed his presence. Their meetings had become more and more intimate, sharing thoughts and feelings, allowing themselves to become closer physically and mentally. Sometimes she let him hold her, sometimes they just talked from across the room, from across the stars. Now, here before her, he looked gaunt and tired._

_“Ben, what is it?”_

_He stepped closer and dropped to one knee in front of her. He leaned his face close to hers._

_“Rey, you have to go. We are coming. Please, I can’t,” He trailed off._

_Her head tilted and she regarded him curiously. She brought her hand to his face._

_“I know, Ben. We know. I’m not running,_ _this is the end. We are going to stand our ground and fight. If we die, we die.”_

_He made an impatient noise, reaching his own hand toward her roughly, tangling his fingers into the back of her neck. She could feel him shaking._

_“No. No. Rey, please. Listen to me. They are bringing the_ Annihilator _, there’s no fighting. You won’t have a chance to fight.”_

_Rey yanked herself backwards. She stood quickly, feeling thrown off balance by his words._

_“You,” she felt like her lungs were heavy. “You just said ‘they,’ Ben. Isn’t this on your orders, Supreme Leader?”_

_She didn’t mean for her voice to carry an edge, but she couldn’t help it._

_“Rey. I’m telling you. I’m telling you to go.”_

_“But why? Why are you telling me, you must know that I will tell Leia. We could run, we still have time. Your ships won’t reach us until morning. Do you really want this to continue; do you want to keep chasing us?”_

_He closed the gap between them again. She saw the conflict in his eyes; his whole world was burning down around him._

_“I will chase you forever, if it means that you are alive.”_

_His lips were on hers_   _suddenly_ ,  _rough and insistent. She was gasped in surprise, but yielded to his mouth, having longed for this for so long. The soft texture of his mouth, the heat of his breath._

_He had never kissed her before during these connections in the force. Their bond was intimate, but it had never crossed this line. But, now she felt his need, she felt everything he was trying to convey. She felt his light. It was muted and dim, but it was growing._

_She pulled away, but pressed her forehead to his. His emotions were overwhelming her thoughts. Something was changing._

_“Why are you telling me this, Ben?” She asked him again, her hands on his chest._

_He sighed, but shook his head. His hands tried to pull her mouth back to his._

_She resisted, pulling away from him more fully, away from temptation._

_“Ben, I feel it. I feel your conflict. I’ve always felt it. The light, it’s pull is so strong inside you. Please, come home. Come home to the light. Come home to me.”_

_He growled in frustration, his fingers going into his own hair as he turned away from her and began pacing._

_“Just, stop it. I can’t do that. You only sense conflict because of my feelings for you. I just want you safe.”_

_She could tell he was only trying to convince himself._

_“Ben. Why are you here, telling me the battle plans for the First Order?” She repeated herself a third time. He was here for a reason. He had rushed to her to warn her._

_His resolve crumbled and he turned to her again._

_“I don’t want this anymore.” His voice broke. Through the bond, she could feel his pain, feel his despair. This was his call to the darkness; the pain, the fear of loss, the suffering, the disappointment. This is what smothered him and pulled him below the surface of the water. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. My soul feels like two pieces that don’t fit, jagged edges trying to be forced together, but they chafe and shred me open. The light and the dark, they hurt inside me. How do you stand it? Why doesn’t it hurt you?”_

_She felt his pain inside her own soul and she reached for him._

_“It does,” she whispered to him, her hand stroking his hair away from his eyes. “But it’s the darkness that is hurting you. The darkness doesn’t belong, it hurts the light inside of you. Let it go and your soul will mend. All these wounds will heal.” She allowed herself to get closer to him. “Let me help you.”_

_Her touch soothes him, and he presses his head to her forehead again, but he doesn’t reply._

_After a moment, he dares to kiss her again and she welcomes it. This time, she lets herself relish in it, allows her body to fold into his, so much larger than her own. She tries to deepen the kiss, to quench the heat licking at her skin from his touch, but he pulls away before she can._

_“So, you will not run?” He asks, his eyes serious._

_“I will tell Leia, but we will stand and fight. We are prepared for whatever you have for us.”_

_“They.”_

_They lock eyes for a long moment, and Rey understands. She nods._

_“I will come find you, on the surface,” he tells her, and he’s starting to fade. Just before the air returns to the room, she hears a distant echo, and it sounds faintly like, “home.”_

Back in her room, she sighs and her mind is made up. He came for her, and now she must go with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t sure if I would be able to post during the day because of work, so I just figured I’d post it now. I’m guessing this story will be around 8 chapters long, maybe 10. I’m going to try to post one chapter per day. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoyed this next chapter!


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He turns his hand over and she slides her palm over his. She feels warmth from him, his anger and resentment pushed away. He finally allows himself to relish in her closeness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next chapter! (A bit late, I’m sorry!)
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone who is enjoying this little story. I had a hard time fleshing this one out, and finding a stopping point, but I hope everyone enjoys it all the same!

Sleep does not come easy for Rey and when she wakes the next morning, she feels tired and raw. Yesterday had been a day she would never forget, even if she wanted to.

She gets up, and instead of heading to see Ben, she decides to meditate and work on some forms to calm herself. Her thoughts and memories from last night had left her jittery and uneasy and she couldn’t go to him now, when she feels the imbalance inside herself.

She calms her mind, but keeps herself on alert. She’s not sure if he’s awake, but if he is, she knows that his mind will come searching for hers, and she’s just not ready.

—

When she arrives at Ben’s room, the guard nods at her and allows her in. She’s relieved, but anxious. Had he woken up yet? How bad were his wounds, really?

As she approaches the bed, she can see that his eyes are closed and a med droid is fussing with his BACTA suit. The glass dome that covers his face and torso is covered with colors and symbols, all green. She takes that as a good sign for his recovery. She sighs in relief.

His eyes snap open and land on her face.

“Hi,” she murmurs and takes a step closer to his bed. She runs a hand along his arm, the first time she’s touched him in person in over six months, but he flinches at the contact. She removes her hand, trying to hide her hurt.

“Where have you been?” His voice is resentful and accusatory. She’s confused.

“They wouldn’t let me come see you. I’ve been sitting outside your room since they brought you here. This is the first time they’ve allowed me in. How long have you been awake?”

He ignores her question.

“You’ve been hiding from me. I searched for you, but I couldn’t find you. Why are you blocking yourself from me?”

She sighs.

“I’m not. I was here when you were sleeping.” She leans closer and looks into his eyes. “I was watching you dream.”

His eyes search hers and he finally looks away.

“I woke up this morning and I felt for you through the Force. It felt like a wall when I felt you. I thought maybe you’d left.”

She sits in a chair next to his bed and, eager to be close to him again and soothe him, her hand finds his forearm again. This time, he doesn’t flinch away, but at the contact of their skin, she’s more aware of him. He’s still angry, but she knows his anger is misplaced.

She opens her mind and feelings to him and he allows his own to move towards her. She gazes into his face, his eyes and he lets her, his eyes still dark, but warming to her. He slowly returns to being Her Ben.

She looks into his mind, finding the root of his current anger and rage. She sees her own face, from his point of view on the battlefield. She feels indecision; a level of regret at his choice to leave. But then she sees her own face again, and the feelings dissipate.

“Do you regret coming here?” Her tone is gentle, but she leaves off saying “to me,” she wants to help him. That’s what she promised him.

“I regret becoming a prisoner.” His tone is gruff and he doesn’t meet her eyes. “But I see there wasn’t really a different outcome possible, was there?”

“Do you think I lured you here to capture you?”

His eyes find her’s again and after a moment he shakes his head. It’s barely a movement, but it’s there. He’s still full of doubt.

“No. But I did imagine it going a little differently. Blaster fire to the heart wasn’t part of what I’d envisioned.”

She sighs, but smiles. She knows he’s trying to make a joke.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been avoiding you. I just needed to quiet my mind before I saw you. It’s been a lot of chaos, a lot of things to consider.”

He nods, but she knows he hasn’t let it go for good. He turns his hand over and she slides her palm over his. She feels warmth from him, his anger and resentment pushed away. He finally allows himself to relish in her closeness.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, how do you feel?” Her voice is tender and their bond pulses, intensity building, the familiar affection and intimacy flowing through them once more. He sighs and she feels where he hurts, his wounds mirroring themselves on her own body. There’s an acute ache in her chest, a sharp pain in her side. She grimaces and rubs a hand over her heart.

“It’s very painful,” she commiserates.

He leans back against the pillow and closes his eyes.

“It’s getting better.”

They fall into silence, Rey playing with Ben’s fingers as he rests, a calmness spreading over both of them. It doesn’t last long, though, and she feels a darkness snake it’s way from his hand to hers.

“What are they going to do with me? I know you know.”

Rey fidgets and protects her mind once more.

“I don’t think it’s my place to tell you.”

She feels him press into her mind, searching.

“Is this why you were really hiding from me? Keeping this from me?” His voice is low, but once again it trembles with anger, betrayal.

She gets up from the chair a moves away from him, though she knows that distance has no effect.

“Don’t do that,” she snaps at him, feeling angry, mirroring his own emotions back to him. “That’s not fair. You can’t just take what you want. Not from me. I’m not keeping this from you because I want to. It’s not my place.”

His eyes are dark, hooded as he glares at her. She stares back at him, holding her ground, pushing his mind back. After a moment, the storm passes and he looks away. She feels him calm, and he withdraws his mind from hers. His volatile emotions are exhausting her.

“Ben,” she begins, but she is cut off by the door to the room opening and Leia enters.

Ben’s eyes widen and he lowers his head, looking more like a child than she’s ever seen him. Even Kylo Ren, in the presence of his mother, shrinks away, tamed. Even for a moment.

He avoids looking at his mother, but doesn’t look at Rey, either. She feels his remorse once more, and a wordless apology flows between them.

“If you two are done speaking silently to each other, I’d like to speak to my son.” Leia’s voice is light but Rey flushes pink and moves fully away from the bed.

“Mother,” he greets, his tone sarcastic. He keeps his eyes down, still refusing to look at her.

Leia ignores his tone and motions for a med droid. Rey can tell that Leia is quite practiced at ignoring her son’s sour moods and carrying on as if he isn’t being childish. It makes her smile softly, and she envies this ability.

Ben’s eyes find hers and he scowls.

She smiles wider at him.

“Lift the glass off of him, please. He doesn’t need it right now.”

The droid obliges, busying up to the bed and disconnecting the sensors and the glass floats off of his torso, disappearing into the ceiling.

“How are you feeling?” She asks him. Rey can also see what a practiced diplomat Leia is. Despite the heartbreak she is feeling, she still remains stoic, calculated. Never letting her facade fall. Even though their interaction has only just begun, Rey is understanding Ben more and more by the minute.

Ben snorts, and shakes his head. He doesn’t answer her; he simply sits in silence, petulant.

Leia has had enough of her son. She steps closer to his bed and leans a hand on the edge, to move closer to his face.

“You will look at me when I ask you a question. You try to show a _shred_ of appreciation for the fact that you are sitting in this bed, alive, because I made sure you were taken care of. Especially after all that you’ve done. Especially after you tried to kill me.”

This causes Ben to flare.

“I didn’t,” he seethes, finally looking up at her face. “Search your own feelings, _Mother_. I couldn’t kill you above D’Qar. I was there, but,” His rage burns out as he looks at her. “I was too weak. Too... sentimental.” He spits the final word like a curse.

Leia nods, gives him a long searching look before she leans away.

“Do you know the planet, Batuu, Ben?” She asks, changing tact and he flinches at her use of his name.

“It was an outpost,” he answers monotonously. “Some forgotten planet at the edge of space.” His eyes narrow at his mother and then they turn to Rey. “Why?”

“Have you ever been there in your fabulous travels with the First Order?” She’s building to the reveal, Rey knows.

“No.” His tone is annoyed. He knows he’s being played with and he’s eager for the purpose in her line of questioning.

“Well. It’s to be your new home. The others and I have decided not to have you sent to a prison or let you be executed. You will live out your life in exile, on the planet Batuu. As soon as you are well, Poe Dameron will be transporting you.”

To Rey’s great surprise, he does not make a sound. His gaze falls to his hands and he simply nods. No outbursts or protests. She feels defeat and also... understanding? As proud and as callous as he is, he knows he deserves something for what he’s done.

“Who is to keep me from getting into trouble? I doubt Commander Dameron is going to want to keep tabs on me. How do you know I won’t kill him en route and run off to start another galactic empire?” He sneers at his mother but she forces an equally snide smile.

“Well, no. Poe would rather not be the one having to deliver you to the edge of Unknown Space, but he’s the best there is. And, I very much doubt that you would be so eager to endanger the other passenger on your flight.”

Rey’s eyes widen. She hasn’t even told Leia her decision.

“How did you...?” She starts, her head shaking. Of course. Leia had always known that Rey would agree.

“What?” Ben’s voice is a dangerous whisper. Rey doesn’t meet his eyes, looking instead to Leia and the knowing look on her face.

“Right,” Leia says softly, inclining her head towards Rey before glancing back at her son. “If the doctor clears you to leave here today, your transport will be ready at oh-nine hundred tomorrow.” She moves a step closer to the bed and Ben, who was still staring at Rey, glances up at his mother for the briefest of moments before glancing back down at his hands. “I will be back later. I’d like to discuss a few things before you’re gone.”

He does not look away from his hands, but nods. Rey feels guilt spread across the bond and into the Force and she knows that Leia can feel it too. “I guess I’ll be here,” he replies softly. Leia nods.

“I’ll leave you two to talk about,” she waves her hand casually between them, “your journey tomorrow. Rey if you’d be so kind to find Poe and I later this evening, I need to talk to you to finalize everything.”

Rey was still looking at Ben when she nodded. Leia doesn’t say anything as she takes her leave from the infirmary.

When the is door sealed shut, she expects an onslaught. But, he sits silently still looking at his hands, and she feels into their bond for him.

She feels confusion and turmoil, but she suspects that Leia is the cause of those feelings. She wonders what she would have to say to him later when she returns alone.

“I doubt it will be anything good,” he answers her thought glumly.

She moves to sit beside him again, tentatively, and reaches her hand out to him. He takes it.

“Are you surprised that she would be angry and resentful of your actions?”

He sighs loudly through his nose and then winces, his hand coming up to rub lightly at the wound on his chest.

“No.” He tosses his head back against his pillow and turns his head towards her. “I don’t want to talk about my mother.”

Rey feels warm and tries to pull her hand back but he grabs it tighter, refusing to end their contact.

“Why are you agreeing to come with me? You shouldn’t. You should stay here with your _friends_.” His fake attempt at stoicism makes her roll her eyes at him.

“Don’t talk about them like that. They are my friends, and I will miss them.” She thinks of Finn and how he will react when she tells him. “But, I’m going with you because I made you a promise.”

She opens her mind to him now, with no reason to hide any longer.

She thinks of his lips on hers as he pleaded for her to run. She thinks of his words, his broken words saying he didn’t want his tortured life anymore. She imagines a future with them laying in a green field, the sun warm against their skin. She imagines a dark night, with only the light of a fire in front of them, their skin bare...

“Stop,” he breathes, his eyes pinched shut. “Please, I can’t take anymore of that while I’m trapped here in this bed.”

She withdraws her hand and stands up.

“I’m going with you because I made a promise, and so did you. You came home, and now I’ll help you balance the turmoil inside you. We will do it together.”

He looks at her for a long moment, and her cheeks feel warm. Before he can say anything else to her, she leans forward and brushes her lips softly against his forehead, his cheeks. She avoids his mouth, resolving to wait until he’s not confined to a hospital bed before she relishes in his lips now that he’s finally here in person with her. She trembles at the thought.

“Rest, she whispers against his cheek. “Come find me tonight and we can talk if you want.”

He rolls his eyes. “I doubt I will get the option to roam the base at my leisure.”

She raises a single eyebrow at him and realization spreads over his features and his eyes darken.

“Right.” His tongue darts out and wets his dry lips. “I’ll see you tonight.”

* * *

 


	4. Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Suddenly, her body feels cold, like she’s been thrown into ice water and she can’t find the surface. She’s being pulled deeper and deeper and her lungs burn. She tries to call out in her thoughts, through the Force. Her chest feels heavy and she feels like she’s suffocating_...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for love for this story. All of the kudos and comments are so lovely and really make it fun to write this story! More notes below at the end of the chapter.

Rey doesn’t return to see Ben for the rest of the day. She busies herself for their departure tomorrow, sinking her focus and energy in the preparations.

After dinner, she heads to the cargo bay and meets Leia and Poe. They are arguing as Rey walks up but as they spot her, they abruptly go silent. Rey pretends not to notice.

They tell her the plans for their journey. Rey agrees to be in charge of Ben for the duration of their trip, which should take about 4 days. At Rey’s urging, Leia relents and agrees to allow Ben to travel to Batuu with free roam of the ship. Poe is less than pleased at the idea.

“That monster is going to be allowed to walk around on the ship?” He gestures vaguely in the direction of the infirmary. “What if he decides to kill us both?”

Rey rolls her eyes. “He’s not going to do that.”

Poe scoffs, his eyes narrowing. “You think you’re going to be able to control him? I know you guys have a weird.... bond or whatever, but I’m sorry if I don’t trust that he left the First Order to just give up. He’s a murderer and he has a ulterior motive.”

“Poe.” Leia’s voice is calm, as always, but there’s warning.

“General, please.” He pleads, his eyes begging. “He’s dangerous. Please let us keep him locked in the brig. Or at least in the manacles so he can’t use the force on us.”

Leia regards Rey, an eyebrow raised in question.

“He’s not going to do anything, Leia. He will listen to me, I will make sure our journey is a safe one. That’s why I’m going in the first place, isn’t it?” She hoped it was true. She hoped he would listen to her and keep his temper in check as they traveled to Batuu. If this morning was any indication, he could hit highs and lows at the drop of a hat.

Leia nods. “Sorry, Dameron. As long as Rey is onboard, you don’t have to worry. I can assure that.”

Poe is clearly still very worried, but he’s appropriately silenced by Leia’s words.

The rest of the checks go smoothly, and after a bit, Leia says her farewells and she heads out the door in the direction of the infirmary. Rey’s stomach sinks.

She feels Poe come up behind her.

“Hey, I’m sorry.”

Rey turns around.

“It’s all right,” she reassures him with a tight smile.

“No, it’s not really all right. I don’t want you to think that I don’t trust you. You and I have to trust each other for this mission, if we want to get there safe. It’s just,” he trails off and his eyes lose their focus. “He’s a pretty horrible guy, he’s done terrible things.”

“He has,” Rey agrees, nodding her head. “He’s done horrible things to you and I both. I’m going to make sure he never forgets the things he’s done, but hopefully I can change who he will become.”

Poe inclines his head. “Here’s to you, kid. How long are you planning to stay out there with him in Batuu, anyway?”

Rey shrugs noncommittally. She’s not sure how her friends would accept knowing that she plans to spend the rest of her life in exile, too. For Ben. “A while.”

Poe’s face becomes inquisitive. “So, what’s this bond like that the two of you have? Do you, like, see each other all the time? Are you like...” he trails off, his eyes brows raised suggestively.

“See you in the morning, Poe.” She dismisses him with an eye roll and a reluctant smile and leaves the cargo bay. She hears him laugh.

—

Rey tries to stay awake as long as she can waiting for Ben, but eventually sleep takes her. In her dreams, she sees his face, with blood red curtains burning around him. He offers his hand and this time, she takes it. He smiles at her, and it’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen and she’s drawn closer to him. But as she does, the smile turns to something grotesque, something evil. Suddenly, her body feels cold, like she’s been thrown into ice water and she can’t find the surface. She’s being pulled deeper and deeper and her lungs burn. She tries to call out in her thoughts, through the Force. Her chest feels heavy and she feels like she’s suffocating and —

She wakes with a start, panting for breath, the heavy feeling still with her when she awakes.

She realizes that she’s not alone. Ben is in her bed. And he is lying on top of her.

“Ben?” She asks, alarmed. She begins to struggle under him, her dream still lingering and causing her to feel claustrophobic.

“Stop,” he groans and he pushes himself up on his elbows. He winces and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath in through his nose. She stills her body.

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you? Did I hurt your side?” Her hands flutter to his chest and side, trying to soothe any hurt.

“No,” he grinds out through gritted teeth. “But if you don’t stop squirming under me like that, we are both going to be in trouble.”

“Oh,” is all that Rey can muster and she hopes it dark enough that he can’t see the flush in her cheeks. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have invited yourself into to lay on top of someone while they are sleeping. You nearly scared me to death.”

“Sorry,” he murmurs, and through their bond, asks permission to lie back down. She sighs and nods.

He settles back down, one arm around her waist and his face pressed into her neck. This is a familiar position that they would find themselves in many, many times over the past few months.

At night, they would often find themselves connected by the Force. As their relationship grew deeper and their bond grew stronger, they felt more and more drawn to each other. Some nights, they would sit on opposite sides of the room and trade stories. He’d ask about her life on Jakku, being amused and interested in her stories about scavenging old Empire wreckage. If she was bold, she’d ask about his childhood. Sometimes he would share, telling her about flying with Han in the Falcon or how he had played hide and find with Chewie. He was always better than Chewie.

Other times, though, his eyes would grow dark and she would wish that she hadn’t brought it up. On those nights, he would sever their bond abruptly and she might not see him again for a few days.

But as the days grew harder for both of them on either side of the fighting, their nights brought them closer together. When their bond connected them, Ben would climb into her bed and she would simply hold him. Run her fingers through his hair or scratch his scalp. That always made him press his face a little deeper into her neck. But, as intimate as their connection got, they had an unspoken rule. He never kissed her, not until that desperate night before the battle. His lips had been urgent and rough and now, here tonight, she is very aware of him. Of the smell of his hair. The warmth of his skin. She remembers the taste of his lips.

She takes a steadying breath and runs her hand down his back. He hums appreciatively.

“I didn’t think you’d be asleep when I came to see you. But when I saw you there, all I wanted to do was just lie with you,” he tells her, his breath tickling her ear. She shivers.

“I waited up for a long time. How did it go with Leia?”

He groans and rolls away from her, flopping roughly onto his back next to her. The warm vibration of their bond turns cold, his emotions feeding into her mind, chaotic and angry.

“We fought,” his reply is clipped, annoyed.

Rey is not surprised. She doubted that there was very much left that Ben and Leia would see eye to eye on.

She rolls toward him and places a hand on his chest. The cloth of the hospital gown he wears is soft under her hand. The angry skin of his wound is visible.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” he snaps, but she’s immediately assaulted by images, flashing from his mind to hers. She sees Leia’s face, angry and hurt. She sees Ben, his face contorted with rage. She sees Han’s face, serene as he touches Ben’s cheek before he falls away to nothing. She feels guilt. More guilt than she ever thought was possible. It crushes her, and she rolls away and grips desperately at her chest, tears streaming down her face.

And suddenly, all of it is gone. Her breathing is harsh as she tries to regain her composure. The splintering in his soul from his actions leave a lingering ache inside of her.

He rolls over her again, his hand brushing the tears from her face.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs and he presses his lips to her cheek, kissing down over her ear until his face is against her neck once more. His strong arms come around her and he holds her tightly to his chest.

When her breathing is calm, she pushes his head away to find his eyes with her own.

“You have so much pain inside.” Her hand glides over the scar on his cheek. “It’s okay to feel pain. It’s okay to regret the things that you have done. It doesn’t mean that you are weak. Stop crushing the light inside of you, that’s the only way to alleviate that pain that you feel, all the time.”

He looks down at her, his eyes sad.

“Why are you the only person who doesn’t fear the darkness inside of me?”

“It does scare me,” she breathes. “I am scared that it will consume you and rip you apart.”

He shakes his head and moves his face closer to hers. She feels his breath on her face. Even in the dark, she can see the brown of his eyes.

“No,” his voices is barely a whisper. “You aren’t afraid of it. You accept it as part of who I am, you accept it as a part of who you are. It holds no temptation to you, so you do not fear it inside of me.” His fingers slide into the hair at the base of her neck. “Everyone was always so afraid of me. What nobody realized was that I was afraid of me, too. I just needed someone who wasn’t, someone to take the black with the white. Snoke told me to embrace the dark side. He never told me I could have balance. Only you.”

The air between them is heavy, and their bond vibrates with a deep, heady feeling.

“You can have balance. You need to let go of your fear and your anger.”

“Help me.” His lips are a breath away from hers.

“Just let go.”

His lips finally press against hers, gently, softly. She opens her mouth to him, allowing her tongue to greet his and he groans, moving his mouth more firmly and pressing her deeper into the bed.

The bond pulses and Rey is overcome by the sensation of him. She feels him in her mind and all around her. The intensity leaves her worried about what this would be like if he was actually here in person. She worries it will consume them.

His kisses grow more insistent and she allows it, daring to bring her leg around his hips to draw him flush against her. He groans and pulls back.

“This is too much,” he pants, squinting his eyes shut. He takes a deep breath and pulls away more fully, causing Rey to let out a noise of disappointment. She hears his laugh in the dark. She feels the pride in his thoughts.

He drops his mouth to hers a final time before he turns onto his back, pulling her with him.

They lay together quietly for a long time, letting their heartbeats return to normal.

“I don’t know if I know how to let go,” Ben says softly, into her hair.

“You do, Ben. You were always the one to tell me to let the past die. But, you don’t need to kill to move past it.”

He only hums in response, and she can feel his uncertainty. She leaves him to his thoughts, too tired and warm against him to stay awake any longer. She realizes that after tonight, they could spend every night in each other’s bed without needing their connection through the Force. His arms tighten around her at the thought, and she drifts off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could stop making these two make out and advance the plot, but it’s very hard! 
> 
> So, I feel that I do my best writing for this story when it’s Ben and Rey, and I feel like I struggle with their interactions with the people around them. I tried to write a scene with Rey and Finn for this chapter, but I just couldn’t get it to a place that I liked. Let me know if it’s something that you would want to read and I can post it as an outtake outside of the confines of the story once it’s over. I might even be open to tackling the Ben and Leia scene referenced in the chapter. 
> 
> XO


	5. Part V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thursday! 
> 
> As always, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I’m overwhelmed by how much everyone liked the last chapter and I hope I continue to live up to the expectations of this story. This one is a monster.

When Rey wakes up in the morning, she is alone and her bed is cold. The small window next to her bed reveals that the sun is only just breaking over the horizon. She stretches her arms over her head, feeling the tightness leave her muscles. She slept better than she had in a while, admitting to herself that it was because Ben had been here with her.

Before the final battle, Ben hadn’t been to see her in weeks and she had a hard time sleeping soundly, used to his presence and his weight to lull her to sleep. But, now she thought of the prospect of having him with her every night, truly with her, and she is excited but a bit apprehensive.

They had, in reality, spent very little time together in person. And most of their in-person interactions had been less than ideal. Their confrontation on Takodana, torturing her in the interrogation room, the fight in the snow. She thinks of him in the elevator, looking up into his eyes; he was so vulnerable. In Snoke’s throne room when she had to turn away from him. Now, there was a whole lifetime ahead of them to create better memories, but what did that future truly hold? She wondered how long it would take for them to find peace with each other. What would it be like between them without the conflict of war?

Sighing, she pulls herself out of her tangled thoughts and gets out of bed. The sun is higher above the horizon, and she still has to gather her rest of her belongings together.

As she packs her bag, she picks up her mended lightsaber. She had worked so hard and Be had even helped her mend it. She was grateful for his help and his help had turned the tide for her. She had seen that Ben was still in there, even when she had given up hope. She pulls the lightsaber against her chest and sighs, and resumes her packing.

She takes her staff and bag and sets out to the small, makeshift command center, hoping to find Leia before setting off to the cargo bay. As Rey enters, she finds Leia sitting alone, a cup of tea in her hand, as she glances at a holomap. Rey approaches quietly, not wanting to disturb her and gets a closer look at the map floating above them. Batuu.

Leia turns, sensing Rey’s arrival.

“Your new home,” Leia says softly, her smile is sad.

Rey nods absently, looking over the geography of the foreign planet. She hopes it’s green and blue. She’s seen Ben’s dreams. She knows her own.

“There’s a small outcropping of huts from a long dead civilization, about an hour away from the main village.” She points and an area lights up on the map. “I think that’s where you should stay, at least in the beginning. It’s close enough for supplies, but far enough away to not attract attention. The legion who runs the planet know that you are coming, a favor to me.” Her smile is a bit devious.

“Are you all set to leave?” She asks Rey, and takes a sip of her tea.

“Yes, I just have a question. A favor really.”

Leia looks at her inquisitively.

“May I have Ben’s lightsaber?”

She gives Rey a long look and Rey can feel her apprehension. She rushes to explain.

“I don’t want to give it to him, not now. But we will be together on this planet, and I hope to help him find balance. He will need it. He needs to continue to have a purpose. His exile does not remove him from the force, and if we are to train and I am to influence him at all, we must truly be equals. I know he has not earned the trust of anyone in this base, but he does have mine. I will keep it until I think he’s ready for it.”

Leia sighs. “I suppose that you are right. I just hate the thought of giving it back to him. It’s too much Kylo Ren. It’s a horrible lightsaber.”

Rey nods in agreement. “Maybe he will change it someday.”

Leia glances back up at the holomap. She looks at it for a long time and Rey worries she won’t let her have it. But, finally, she nods. She gets up and goes to large wooden chest in the far corner of the room, and as she opens it, Rey can see the long black hilt of Ben’s lightsaber laying on top of clothes and holodisks. Leia lifts it delicately, as if it might explode. She turns and hands it to Rey.

“I don’t know what else I would have done with it, perhaps it should be with its master.”

As Rey takes it, she’s reminded of how heavy it is, and how scary it is to hold. She remembers Snoke’s throne room again. She shakes the thought from her mind. She places it gently inside her bag, next to her own.

“You should hurry to the cargo bay. They are going to bring him soon.”

“Are you going to come to see us off?” Rey asks, as she readjusts her bag over her shoulder.

Leia’s face is grave.

“No, I don’t think so. I’ve seen all I need to see of my son. I’ve said all I can say to him. If you say that he is not lost, I believe you, but to me,” she sighs. “To me, my son is gone. He can never be my son again. He killed his father, he killed so many others. No matter how much he can change, he can never be who he was before those things.” She looks at Rey and smiles sadly. “I’m no Jedi, I can’t find it in myself to forgive him.”

Rey walks forward and simply hugs the older woman. She squeezes her gently, hoping this is not the last time she sees her.

Leia breaks the hug, sliding her hands to Rey’s shoulders.

“Keep in touch. You can contact us any time, if you need anything. You are not in exile. Remember that.”

Rey nods and moves to leave.

“May the force be with you.”

“And you, Rey.”

—

Rey rushes to the cargo bay. She’s fairly sure that she’s going to be late and sure enough as she runs into the open space, she sees them bringing Ben through the doors on the opposite side.

“Where have you been?” Poe asks, as she falls in next to him.

“Sorry,” she mutters, “I had to make a stop and see the General.”

Poe nods. “I take it she’s still not coming?”

“No,” Rey answers, her voice low as Ben approaches. He quirks his eyebrow at her. She shakes her head.

_Not now._

Poe follows the guards up the ramp of the _Falcon_. As Rey turns to ascend the ramp behind him, she hears her name echo across the bay.

She turns to find Finn, moving towards her quickly, and Rose struggling to keep up behind him.

“Finn! Wait up!”

But Finn ignores her, coming to an abrupt hault in front of Rey.

Rey smiles, she’s relieved to see him.

“Hey, I know that I was upset about this,” he gestures toward the ship. “But, I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye.”

Rose finally reaches them, and she smiles at Rey.

“You’ll be allowed to come visit,” Rey assures them, “Leia has said that you’ll be allowed to come and see me if you’d like. Just give me a little time to settle in and I’ll let you know.”

Finn lurches forward and pulls her into a bone crushing hug.

“Please be safe, Rey. Please don’t let him win.”

She pulls away and presses a hand to his cheek.

“Please don’t worry, Finn. I’ll be all right. I know how to take care of myself.”

“Yeah,” Finn agrees darkly, looking up toward the ship. Poe has appeared on the ramp.

Rey hugs Finn again tightly and moves to hug Rose. “Keep him out of trouble,” she whispers to Rose who laughs.

“Don’t worry, I will.”

With a last glance at them, she turns and walks up the ramp into the Falcon. Poe waves at the pair as well and they close door behind them.

—

Poe agrees to take the first shift at the helm after they are underway.

  
She finds Ben in the makeshift quarters that has been set up for this journey. He’s swinging in a hammock with his fingers folded across his chest, his eyes closed and the energy around him calm. She sits down at the table, flickering the Dejarik board to life.

She’s not good, never really having had anyone to show her how to play. A few times, Finn had tried to show her, but she was still terrible. Her players always got mowed down.

She plays in silence for a while, not sure if Ben is sleeping or not, but not wanting to disturb him. She’s content without the weight of his thoughts and emotions.

But, after her Ng’ok gets leveled by the computer’s Ghhhk, resulting in yet another loss, she hears him laugh from the corner.

“What?” She snaps at him, turning the game off again.

“Your strategy is terrible.”

She rolls her eyes and turns her body to face him more fully. “I’m quite aware of that, thank you.”

He folds himself out of the hammock and she’s struck by how gracefully he manages it. He’s tall, broad, and his limbs seem too long to be allowed, but he moves with the grace of a Nexu. Smooth. Deadly.

He comes and joins her at the table, reaching to turn the table back on. She stops him and shakes her head.

“I’m tired of playing for a while.”

He nods and leans back, his eyes regarding her.

Rey suddenly feels very self conscious. The air between them crackles and she feels a bit awkward at being alone with him while he’s truly here. She doesn’t have the distance of the force to protect her anymore. The intensity of their encounter last night flashes across her thoughts and he shifts next to her. Suddenly, he feels too close.

She clears her throat.

“How are you feeling today? Does anything hurt?”

He nods his head, his face is unreadable.

“A lot of things hurt.”

Her eyes narrow. He’s in a strange mood.

“My mother tells me that you’re the reason I don’t have to wear manacles,” he leans a little closer to her, brushing her hair from her shoulder. Rey tries to breathe normally.

“Yes. I didn’t think it was necessary. I didn’t think you’d hurt me.”

“Thank you.”

“I also didn’t think four days in shackles would improve your mood.”

He only hums, his fingers now tracing down her arm.

“What, what are you doing?” She asks, trying to keep her voice low. She doesn’t really think it would end well if Poe walked in while Ben’s hands were on her like this.

“Just seeing how it feels. In person.”

She shivers and his other hand joins in now, sliding over her knee to rest on her thigh.

She tries to pretend that it’s the same as it’s always been, but it’s not. His thoughts are racing; she can’t see any clear images, just feelings, sensations, and it’s becoming too much.

“I touched you in the infirmary, yesterday,” she reminds him, trying to find focus and keep her head clear.

He scoffs.

“I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t focus on it.” His hand slides up to her hip now, and he leans closer.

She finally moves her hand to his bicep. “Maybe I should have insisted on the manacles.”

He smiles. And leans his face to hers. Her mind clears.

“Ben,” she warns and slips out of his grasp. She stands smoothing her hands down her front and her face feels cooler now that he’s not so close.

She feels his anger before she sees it. He stands and advances towards her, his eyes dark and his hair falling in his face. Before he can even open his mouth to argue, she places her hands on his chest. To comfort him. To control the distance between them.

“Let’s just, not do this here.” Her eyes plead with him and she tries to remain calm, to soothe his anger.

“Do what?” He asks. Theres images of skin on skin and lips touching rushing through his mind.

His arms come around her and she relents a little, but she keeps her guard up.

“Don’t hide from me,” he urges her.

She looks up at him. He’s so tall.

“I’m not. It will be a very difficult four days if we don’t keep this a little more,” she hesitates to find a word that won’t annoy him. “A little more subdued. We aren’t alone, if you recall.”

Her eyes flicker to the door to the cockpit.

Ben sighs and finally withdraws.

“What should we do instead?” He asks, moving back toward the table.

She takes a deep breath and returns to the table with him. “Teach me how to play Dejarik.”

—

The days pass almost uneventfully, with Rey and Poe alternating turns piloting the _Falcon_. She notices that when her shift is over and she returns to the common area after Poe, she always finds Ben angry and sulking. She’s usually exhausted, having to make sure that that ship is running smoothly for such a long journey, but also from being assaulted by Ben’s emotions as they get closer and closer to Batuu.

Her sleep is restless, her dreams are always plagued with his regrets and his fears. He doesn’t come to her in the night with soft touches and intimacy like he used to, he comes with hurt and sorrow. She wakes up tired. 

During the waking hours she spends with him, she tries to get him to meditate, to let go of the anger and resentment he feels over his exile. It doesn’t often go well, usually ending in him exploding his feelings across their bond to her and her yelling at him in reply. And it got worse with each passing day.

In their final hours before coming into orbit, she tries a final time to find the source of his horrible mood.

She seats herself on the floor, legs crossed. She closes her eyes and calls out to him through the force, a calm and serene feeling coursing through her.

_Ben, sit with me._

He ignores her. She feels for him and finds a wall up.

_Don’t hide from me._

She hears him sigh and the rustle of fabric as he moves to join her.

She opens her eyes and she looks at how tired he is. How hard he’s being on himself.

She puts her hands, palm up on her knees, inviting his touch. He eyes her warily.

“I’m offering you the chance to share your turmoil with me. I feel it everywhere and you need an outlet. Accept your fate, you can’t go back, and being angry won’t help.”

He reluctantly moves his hands over hers, and she feels him jolt at the contact. Rey also feels it, but she takes a steadying breath through her nose and reaches out into his mind. She sees his anger; anger at being exiled. Anger at his mother for sending him away. Anger at being sent to the middle of nowhere. There is regret; and all she sees is Han’s face. She feels hatred; hatred towards the Resistance. Hatred at losing. Weakness. He gave up. He gave in. For her. She tries to see herself through his eyes. He’s angry, but there’s something more. Something that he’s suppressing, keeping from her.

 _Let go_.

She urges him to free his mind to her. He’s fighting her and she begins to tremble.

 _Ben_.

His anger rises, and the unknown emotion with it. He’s resentful. But, what he’s hiding isn’t darkness. It’s light, she realizes. He’s angry and frustrated at the light inside him. He thinks of her again, but it’s blurry. And the light grows. He fights it. He doesn’t want it. He tries to pull away.

She holds tighter.

She gasps as she feels lust. Flashes of bare skin, warm kisses. Heavy. Dark. But it’s still only masking the light. She presses further and finally his mind gives and light blooms and she sees her own face, finally. She feels tears on her cheeks. She’s beautiful in his mind, and the light blinds.

He loves her. The tether between them feels warm. It pulses with the feeling and she feels a tightness in her chest. A tightness inside of his.

He pushes back into her mind, roughly. Searching.

“Rey! Can you come in here? We are coming into orbit and I can’t land this death trap by myself!”

Poe’s frazzled voice from the cockpit is like a bucket of ice water. She gasps as their minds rip away from each other and she turns to look to see if Poe has been watching them. He hasn’t.

When she looks back towards Ben, he’s gone. Retreated into the corner again, with his hands fisted into his hair. Her hand wipes the tears from her cheeks.

She stands and takes a step toward the cockpit, but turns to face him.

“Ben,” she begins, but he shakes his head.

“Don’t.” His voice is a growl.

She sighs. “You don’t have to search my mind for the answer to that question. You already know.”

He doesn’t look at her.

_I love you._

She walks into the cockpit to help Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could have been two chapters, but I decided it would flow better as one. Hence, why it’s as bulky as it is. 
> 
> See you Friday!


	6. Part VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Do you really love me?” He asks, and she feels him open their connection wide. She is momentarily taken aback by the flood of emotions that he lets flow between them. There is uncertainty, there is fear. Fear that she will leave him. But, there is also hope. The light grows._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! It is still Friday where I am, but I am so sorry for the delay. Today was a busy day and we finally reached the portion of the story that I had pre-written. Except, I didn't feel like most of it worked anymore, so I ended up needing to rewrite a lot of it. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much for all of your kind words and encouragement. It truly makes writing this little story worth it.

As they move in to land, Rey smiles at all the green grass that she sees spreading all around them. They maneuver the ship down smoothly, near a few small structures grouped together.

When the door to the ship drops down, Rey sees Ben already storming off the ship toward the huts. He enters the first one and the door slams shut. She sighs and rubs her forehead before getting up and exiting the ship behind him.

Leia was kind enough to send them on their journey with supplies. Enough food and clothes for them to manage for a while, give them time to settle in. It takes her and Poe about an hour to unload everything and move it inside one of the unused huts. Ben never comes out of his hut to help them, and she’s glad. She doesn’t feel like she could stand to be near him for a while. She needs a break to settle her own emotions after what had just happened.

After they finish, Poe readies himself to head back.

“Don’t you want to stay tonight, just to rest?” Rey asks, not quite ready to be alone and exiled on the planet alone with Ben.

Poe looks around and shrugs. “No, I don’t think that I need to stick around here much longer. I think I need break from the way it feels when I’m around the two of you.” He winks at her and she shakes her head, smiling in spite of herself.

“I’ll just fuel up in the city and head back out. Take care of yourself, okay? If you ever need anything or need help, just contact us. Finn and I will come visit soon.” He leans forward and presses a chaste kiss to her cheek before he waves and heads back up the ramp.

“Take care of Finn!” she calls after him.

The ramp goes up and he’s gone.

 

\--

 

It’s two evenings after their arrival before she sees him.

She decided to leave him to his own thoughts and she picks a different hut, across a grassy courtyard from the one that Ben chose. She feels for him the first night, wondering if he would want to see her, after all that passed between them inside of the _Falcon_. She hopes that he will respond and come to her so that they can talk, but she feels nothing. She doesn’t even feel a wall in place, just nothing. He’s closed himself off from the Force. From her. He doesn’t even want to feel her at all.

She can’t say that she isn’t disappointed. It was a revelation for her as well. She had known that they were heading toward something, something big, but to feel it the way she did through his thoughts had shaken her, shaken her straight through her soul.

He loved her and resented her for it. He thought that love was a weakness. But, she loved him. Did that make her weak, too?

Maybe he was just as scared as she was at the prospect of them being alone here, together for the foreseeable future. They couldn’t hide from each other here. What would they become? Was the way they felt about each other only forged by their bond in the Force? Did they feel this way out of obligation now? Out of necessity of being alone?

Rey meditates both nights before Ben appears about all of these things, trying to find balance and answers. But, it’s hard to find these answers on her own.

He doesn’t come to her in person, he appears through the Force in her bedroom as she meditates. Her eyes are closed and she feels it, the sudden decompression of air in the room as he materializes.  
  
She tries to hide her relief at finally feeling him after so long. She does not open her eyes as she addresses him.  
  
“You could have walked down here, you know.”  
  
When he doesn’t answer her, she opens her eyes, searching for him in her room. She finds him sitting on her bed, dressed in a long black cloak with the hood pulled up, hiding most of his face. There’s the beginnings of a beard on his face.  He looks like the creature who once hunted her across the galaxy.  
  
She’s momentarily afraid of him, but her heart breaks at the sight of him, and she knows he feels it through their bond.  
  
“Please don’t.”  
  
His voice is barely above a whisper.  
  
“Okay,” she says cautiously, as if speaking to a barely tamed animal. She’s worried she will ignite his temper and send him back into hiding. She closes her eyes once more and resumes her meditation.  
  
There is silence for a long time as she weaves in and out of the balance of the Force here on the planet.  
  
There’s a gentle knock on the door of her hut.  
  
She nearly screams, her eyes flashing open and searching the room. Ben is gone. She jumps to her feet, on edge.  
  
“Who is it?”  
  
When there’s no reply, she takes a deep breath, moving to the door and opening it.  
  
Ben.

He rolls his eyes at her.  
  
She sighs in relief, and steps aside to allow him to enter. He strides in and resumes his previous position on her bed.  
  
“Is this better?” He asks dryly. She resists the urge to roll her eyes back and walks to sit next to him.  
  
They relish as they are reunited, in the familiarity of the bond and the closeness of their bodies in silence, but Rey feels an uneasiness. There is distance as well, an awkwardness. A coldness.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, feeling what she feels and he reaches out to let his fingertips gently touch her forearm. Her skin burns in the wake of his touch and she closes her eyes, allowing him to touch her without any worry of interruption.

  
She nods at his apology, not exactly sure what he’s apologizing for, but she doesn’t say anything and allows him to lead this encounter. He initiated, she lets him set the pace. He is the one who ran from her, she should let him be the one who comes back.

“Do you really love me?” He asks, and she feels him open their connection wide. She is momentarily taken aback by the flood of emotions that he lets flow between them. There is uncertainty, there is fear. Fear that she will leave him. But, there is also hope. The light grows.

“Yes.” She is unsure of how to proceed. He is here, in front of her without the buffer of the bond. He is really here for her to touch and hold, and they are very much alone.

He follows her thoughts as he traces her hands, her arms, he brings her fingers to his mouth, brushing them one by one with his lips. She shivers even though she feels very warm.

“Why?” He asks after a few minutes of torture. He leans in to her and she falls back on to the bed. He pulls his hood down from his head and she can see his face once more. He shifts until he is over her, his body heavy and full of suggestion.

She doesn’t know how to articulate why and she rolls her eyes at him to hide how awkward it feels.

She presses her hand to his face, and closes her eyes to allow her own feelings to start flow toward him. She worries that the light in her feelings will hurt him, but he just sighs and turns to press his mouth against her hand as the images begin to flow.

She shows him his smile, the way his eyes crinkle in the corners. She shows him his dimples. His face, always so clouded with conflict, handsome but torn. She remembers the way he holds her at night, the things he’s whispered to her when they are alone. She feels warm as she thinks of all the times she imagined him, with his shirt off, when she’s seen him asleep after they’ve shared a bed through their bond. She shows him how she sees him, with no true darkness.

He kisses her, but it’s too fast, too rough. Something feels desperate in his attentions and she isn’t sure what to do. She’s longed to feel his lips on hers, to really feel them. It feels so right to have his hands on her body, his fingers counting each rib, but it also feels wrong. It’s too intense, she feels too much. She feels his need multiplied with hers. But, this doesn’t feel right, they aren’t in the right state of mind. Their feelings are too raw, and despite her knowing that this will be an inevitability, she’s afraid it will be a mistake right now.

“Wait,” she breathes as his teeth drag over the skin of her neck. “Ben, wait.”

He doesn’t stop, his actions just slow to a more torturous pace.  His tongue soothes where his teeth had marked her skin. His hand reaches down and hooks behind her knee, pulling her leg higher on his hip. She burns.

She musters the last of her rational brain and calls through the bond. She knows he will hear her there, he’s been listening to her body sing for him through the Force.

_Stop._

He pulls back, his breath heavy. His pupils are blown and his lips are swollen. She feels his confusion and annoyance.

“We shouldn’t do this.”

He sits up, and balances on his knees.

“Why do you keep saying that?” He’s angry. “Why do you pull me in and then tell me not to? You say you love me, don’t you want me?” She feels uncertainty from him, more acutely than ever before. She has always been open with him, always let him in. But, this, this scares him and it scares her too.

“Yes, I want you,” she breathes, trying to pull him back by his hands. He doesn’t budge.

“Then what is it?” there is an edge of something scary, something he’s never shown her. The rejection of the past flows through them.

“I just don’t think now is the right time. We are still so imbalanced. We fight so much about what is right, I just feel like it’s would be a mistake tonight. Please,” she pleads as she sees his face, “Please, find balance with me and it will be better. So much better.”

He gets up from the bed, quickly. The only thing she can feel from him is the repeated echo of the word “mistake” lingering in the bond.

“No, Ben!”

He shuts her out abruptly and moves to leave. He hesitates at the door, looking back over his shoulder at her before he steps out into the night and the door snaps shut behind him.

It’s the first night she cries herself to sleep since she left Jakku.

 

\--

 

The next morning, Rey decides to take a walk, to go exploring. She’s exhausted and raw, but she knows that a walk will clear her head and exploring was always her favorite way to cope. The planet feels peaceful and alive and she’s eager to explore her new home. It’s green and blue and warm. It’s a stark contrast to the oppressive conditions on Jakku, and she silently thanks Leia for a new start somewhere beautiful.

She gathers a pack and her staff, dressing lightly to keep cool as the sun grows warm. As she sets out of her hut, she glances at Ben’s, situated across a small grassy area from her own. She wonders if he is still upset about last night. Most likely. She takes a breath and walks to the door. 

She knocks and waits.

No answer.

She didn’t expect one; she knows that when he’s upset, he commits to it. She’s just not used to it being directed at her.

“Ben? I’m going for a walk. If you want to join me, you’ll know how to find me.” She reaches to find him in the Force. When she finds him, there’s no wall, but she doesn’t push into his thoughts, just feels his presence and makes her own known to him.

 _Please_.

She lets the word linger across the connection, but does not wait for him. She sets out, up the hill from their clearing, knowing he will only come if he wants to. She hopes he does.

She walks for a long time. She walks until her legs burn and her lungs feel tight. It feels different to hike when the air is humid and she finds that she likes it.

She makes her way past a deep green ridge and she looks out over the valley below. The hills roll and shimmer in the sunlight and she smiles, closes her eyes and breathes in the wind deeply.

Far ahead of her she sees a small outcropping of dark colored trees, and in the center, she sees a pool of deep blue water. She grins and sets out towards it, feeling excited. The day is warm and she longs to dip into the clear blue water to cool off and relax.

 She lowers herself over the side of the ridge and drops down onto the soft grass below, setting off toward the trees. There are small animals that flurry around her in the tall grass and she smiles at them as she passes. Furry and as green as the grass, they squeak and jump along with her, guiding her. Her journey takes her around a half of an hour and she finally reaches the small grouping of trees.

 The leaves are bright red and the bark is as black as night. They are filled with colorful birds that chirp in alarm at her approach, but they do not fly away.

 She hops down a small ledge onto the shore of the lake below. There’s a small beach, with bright, white sand. She smiles again at her surroundings.

 Dropping her bag, she pulls her tunic over her head and toes off each of her boots. She’s left in her short canvas pants and her breast band. There’s no one around except Ben for miles, and for the first time, she relishes in her aloneness. She takes a step toward the water and allows it to lap at her bare feet and ankles. The water is cool, but refreshing; she makes her way more fully in, wading until the water is up to her collarbones.

 Deeper into the pool, the water drops off and Rey avoids that area of the pool. Having grown up on a desert planet, she isn’t the strongest swimmer. She leans her head back and wets her hair before wading back into the shallower water and leaning back to float. She lets her thoughts wander to last night.

Trying to keep herself calm and centered, she allows the events to drift through her mind. Her hurt washes over her, but she also feels Ben’s hurt and understands it. She had rejected him before and last night he had been so vulnerable. After the revelation of his feelings, and the way he had touched her last night, she realizes that she might have been the one to make a mistake. She’s glad that she stopped when they did, but she wonders if she shouldn’t have gone about it differently. She sighs to herself.

She feels regret and shame. She lets the feelings wash over her, and accepts them before she pushes them away. She wonders how long he’s going to be upset with her. She deserves it.

As if answering her thoughts, the calm energy of the Force that surrounds her suddenly gets heavy and warm. She feels the water shift and ripple and when she opens her eyes, Ben is standing above her, shirtless, the cool water lapping at his hip bones. His face is smooth, the stubble gone. She swallows.

His mouth moves, but the sound is muffled by the water in her ears. She shifts backwards a bit, bringing her legs under her, but keeping her chest under the water, self-conscious of her current state of undress. Last night’s thoughts still fresh in her mind.

“What?” she asks, not hearing him the first time.

“I said, you look like you are enjoying yourself.”

She smiles below the water and squints up at his face. He doesn’t seem like he’s angry.

“I’m not angry,” he murmurs, and he lowers himself into the water to mirror her position.

Her mind reaches out to him, and he lets her in. She feels regret and apology.

“I should be the one to apologize,” Rey admits, but he shakes his head at her.

“No, you shouldn’t.” He moves his body closer to hers and in one movement, his arms have slipped around the bare skin of her back, and he pulls her onto his lap, their chests pressing together. She allows herself to enjoy his closeness, the heat of his skin contrasting the cool water around them. She slides her hands over his shoulders and brings them to rest on his chest.

“Would you like to argue about who needs to apologize and who doesn’t?” Her voice is soft, tender as she looks into the deep brown of his eyes.

“Yes,” he answers earnestly, his intensity reverberating down her spine.

“Okay,” she smiles at him and leans in to kiss his mouth. It’s a gentle kiss and she doesn’t allow herself to deepen it. “Can we both be sorry?” She reaches out with her mind, her own apology flowing through their bond. He shakes his head again.

“I could feel your thoughts when I got here, I just sat for a while, to be near you. I felt everything you were feeling, but you were right; it would have been a mistake. I was just overwhelmed. Being near you, it’s so much, it’s so hard to ignore. Now that you’re here, real, it just feels like we are going to consume each other.” He pulls her body more flush against his and she shivers. Their bond pulses again and this time, she allows this closeness. “I’m sorry,” he whispers into her ear. Her arms slide around his shoulders and she presses her face to his neck. She nods.

She sees light inside him, she feels it as if its burning her. She smiles against his skin.

He groans, and stands up, bringing her with him. She squeaks, grabbing on to him tighter but his strong arms pull her away. “That’s enough of that,” he says, and she can feel that his mood has changed, its… playful.

“What?” She asks in panic. “What are you doing?”

“Enough thinking about the light growing inside of me.”

He wades a little deeper into the water. “Ben no, don’t you _dare.”_

He smiles at her and then promptly drops her into the water.

When she surfaces, sputtering, cursing and spitting out water, she hears his laugh echo off the trees around them, and it is the most beautiful sound.

 

\--

 

She decides to go to his hut that night. She hopes his mood is still as light as it has been next to the water.

The rest of the afternoon had been lovely. They ate together, laughing and joking, sharing embarrassing stories of their childhood. Their bond was easy and calm, and she was relieved that they could still be the same thing to each other, even without the bond of war between them. The intensity was the same, but she could feel a true friendship blossoming between them, there next to the water, with the birds chirping around them.

They had decided to keep their distance until they found more peace and balance. So, when they arrived back home, they went to their separate huts, a soft smile passing between them.

Alone in her own hut, she begins to read one of the books she had taken from Ahch-to. It was the last unread book she had and she hoped that maybe she would find more answers inside. The other books had been hard to read and really showed her nothing in the ways of becoming a Jedi. She had found her own peace and her own acceptance of her fate without the help of Luke or those old books. She accepted the things around her and her circumstances and found peace in her choices. The dark held almost no temptation to her.

She thinks of Ben, and takes a deep breath, setting out into the night across the courtyard.  
  
She holds the book closer to her chest as she knocks on the door. The night is cool and the wind rustles the grass around her.  
  
He does not answer the door right away and she’s about to open the door herself when she hears him moving inside and the door creaks open in front of her. She smiles at him and the corner of his mouth twitches as he moves aside for her to pass. He turns around and heads toward the bed, flopping down on his back and crossing his fingers on his chest.  
  
She follows, trying to keep the softer energy that they had shared today. She climbs over his legs and sits upright next to him, her legs crossed with the book in her lap.  
  
He raises an eyebrow at her. “What do you have there?”  
  
“An old Jedi book that I took from Ahch-to, from the old tree there. There’s a few more, they’re back in my room. I was reading this one and I was having a hard time deciphering it. I wondered if you could help.”  
  
He rolls to his side to face her and props his head up on his elbow. He nods at her to proceed.  
  
She turns the book to face him. “This page is talking about dark users and light users. But there’s another section here where it talks about both and I don’t know what this symbol means.”  
  
She points to a character that is between a symbol for light and a symbol for dark. He leans forward and squints. He looks for a moment.  
  
“I think it just means balance,” he concludes, leaning back.  
  
Rey shakes her head. “No, this symbol here means balance,” she lifts it to show him. “I think this is talking about force users who are light and dark.”  
  
His eyebrows go up. “Gray Jedi?”  
  
“What is that?”  
  
He sighs. “They are a myth. From the beginnings of the Jedi. Early force users didn’t see themselves as one or the other. They were masters of both the light and the dark. Before the force users broke into the Jedi and the Sith, it’s said that many could use both and remained in balance with the Force.”  
  
Rey is stunned. “How do you know they were a myth?”  
  
Ben scoffs. “Being the master of both is impossible.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
He looks at her for a long moment. “I don’t know. I think we are too tempted by one or the other. It’s hard to accept both fully.”  
  
She’s quiet, looking over the page in her book. “I do.”

She feels his eyes on her and she reads further, the words making more sense now. True masters of the light and the dark. Accepting both inside of them. She feels the truth flowing through her.

_Gray. No light. No dark._

  
“Rey.”

His voice is gentle, his mind probing forward.

“We could be Gray Jedi.” She looks up into his eyes, hopeful, but sees only sadness.

“I don’t think it’s possible.”

Rey makes a noise in frustration, her temper flaring, and tosses the book to the side. She throws her leg over his hips and pulls herself into his lap. His eyes are wide, alarm flashing across his features.

“What…?” He asks, his hands moving up to defend himself. She ignores him and grabs the front of his shirt.

“Why?” she demands. “The light inside you grows, but the dark still remains. The dark had found its place inside me. I feel both, I am drawn to both, but neither overcomes the other. Tell me why it’s not possible, Ben. Tell me why you will not try to find the balance inside you.”

He sighs, and looks away from her.

“Ben.” She shakes her hands, still gripping the fabric of his shirt.

His hands come up and cover hers, pressing inside her palms with his thumbs to soften her grip. “Stop shaking me.”

“Then answer me, tell me why you don’t want to try.”

His eyes snap to hers and she sees annoyance flash across them.

“I have tried! I’ve tried for almost ten years. Don’t sit here and talk to me like you know what I’ve struggled with. I’m sorry that I’m not as strong as you are. I’m sorry I can’t just accept everything around me and feel at peace! I wish with every fiber of who I am that I could just let it all go and be balanced and free, but it doesn’t work like that, Rey.”

He sits up and shifts her gently from his lap. He moves from the bed to the corner of the hut, running his hand through his hair.

Rey sits for a moment, her temper cooling as she feels the energy in the space around them. It’s tense, but Ben is fighting his temper. His emotions aren’t exploding into the air around him and he’s holding back. Suddenly, Rey remembers.

She jumps up and advances toward him, grabbing him roughly by the arm. “Come with me.”

He makes a noise of protest but allows himself to be dragged out into the night to her hut.

Once inside, she lets go of his arm and moves toward her bag, digging into it. She pulls out his lightsaber.

When she turns back around, she sees the shock cross his face.

She raises the saber to him. “I am not stronger than you, we are equals. If I can do it, so can you. Try. With me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene by the water is the little plot bunny that made me write this story.
> 
> PS: what everyone has been waiting for should be happening next chapter. I think. 
> 
> See you tomorrow <3


	7. Part VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Even the light can be too powerful, which is why the dark exists to keep it from blinding us all.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is MUCH shorter than the previous ones have been, but it felt right for it to be the way it is. We are winding down, but I'm not ready to be done with this story yet, so see my notes below when you're done reading. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys this one, and thank you for every single comment and kudos and bookmark. You are the reason I write every day. 
> 
> xox

They spend the next few weeks training, accepting the light with the dark. Each morning they rise before the sun, sparring in the cool crisp fog. Some mornings, they are playful and light, playfully jabbing and laughing. Tumbling into the grass as he takes her legs out from under her. She kisses him then. 

Other mornings are not as pleasant. Their sparring turns to actual fighting. His strikes are full of rage and her answering blows are ruthless. They taunt each other and on more than one occasion, blood is drawn. Sometimes this calms their rage. Other times it spurs them on. 

On the worst such occasion, she disarms him, burning herself on the cross guard of his saber. She ignores the pain, even enjoys it, so lost in the darkness flowing between them. She brings her saber across his throat, crossing his over her own and pinning him into submission. They pause, an impasse, and glare at each other, chests heaving. His eyebrow is bleeding. The skin on her arm bubbling from the burn. The energy pulsing between them is dangerous, toxic. Sensual. 

“I thought the dark side didn’t tempt you,” he spits at her, his eyes black, sweat causing his hair to cling to his face and his neck.

She brings the sabers tighter against his throat. Too close. She leans her face nearer to his. 

“It doesn’t. I have no intention of killing you.”

He smiles, but it’s sinister. Unkind. 

“Ah. That’s how they all start. No one intends to kill when the darkness starts to flow through them. That’s how we all rationalize it.” 

“I will never be like you,” she seethes, her anger getting the better of her.

But, he continues to smile his horrible smile. “Won’t you?”

This makes her even angrier, but she disengages, extinguishes both lightsabers, and turns her back. She drops his to the ground and stalks back to her hut. She is the one who runs today.

 --

At night, they meditate before sleeping. On the happier days, they do it together, in his hut or hers, relishing in their connection to the force and to each other. Ben is better at finding the light and accepting it and Rey seeks out the dark to balance herself. They hold tightly to each other’s minds, never letting the other go too far in one direction. Those evenings usually end with them spending the night in the same bed, warm and content next to each other, and kissing until they are both breathless. He always stops before it becomes too much, keeping their promise.

But, the nights after they’ve fought, they avoid each other. Rey always ends the night meditating, to find calmness, even if the day had gone poorly. In these moods, though, she doesn't cares if Ben is also meditating like he’s supposed to, but rarely does she mediate without feeling his presence, and his feelings. Sometimes he apologizes. Sometimes he doubles down, insisting his was right. Those are the occasions where she goes to bed just as angry and he does not come to her in the night.

\--

The night after their explosive fight, however, he comes to find her. The summer is ending and the days grow shorter. The night is cold, the first frost since they’ve been there, so Rey lights a fire in the hearth, sitting on the floor next to it and applying a healing salve to the angry burn on her arm. She’s dressed in baggy clothes – his- and her muscles burn all over.

She hears a soft knock, and the door opens slowly to reveal Ben, eyes still dark, but his hair is damp and his clothes are clean. Refreshed. The cut above his eye has stopped bleeding, but it looks deep.

She looks up at him for a long moment as he enters before she looks back down at her arm.

“Hey,” she says indifferently, not quite sure if she’s moved past what happened this morning.

He walks into the room and sits down next to her, his body molding around hers. She looks up at him, slightly alarmed at his closeness. They normally did not allow themselves to be this close after a day like today.

But, Ben seems to have other ideas. He wraps a large hand around her calf and places a kiss on her bent knee. He rests his chin there and looks up at her.

She smiles at him despite herself. She touches the mark above his eye.

“I’m surprised you’re here,” she murmurs to him, turning away to look into the fire.

“We always meditate at night,” he answers, reaching up to brush her hair away from her shoulder. She’s let it grow long in their time here.

“Not always,” she hedges, letting her eyes close at his touch. She tries to ignore the heat that he is sending across the bond to her. Trying to break through the anger still lingering. Their roles have reversed.

“Hmmm,” he hums and she looks at him. He’s smiling.

Her annoyance bubbles up over the surface. “What?”

“There’s something very interesting about seeing you so angry. You’re angry at me, but you’re angrier at yourself.”

“Of course I’m angry at you,” she snaps, but she doesn’t mean it.

He leans his head away and lifts his hand to her face. He brushes a loose hair away from her cheek. “It’s okay to be angry, but letting it linger, letting it fester is the problem. When you can’t let go of it is when the darkness finds it’s opening to corrupt.” He sighs. “I shouldn’t have said what I said today, it wasn’t fair. We were both angry.”

She looks at his face, searching. When did he become the teacher? Since when did his lessons about the dark side begin to make sense to her? She nods absently. “We were. I guess things got a little out of hand.”

He hums again and looks into the fire. “A little.”

She watches him for a long time as he stares into the fire.

Who is this man in front of her? How could he have begun to change so much and she hadn’t noticed? Here he sat, wise and contemplative, giving her advice that actually made sense. Was this what balance looked like for Ben Solo? More dark than light, but just enough. That’s all he needed. Dark rises, and the light to meet it.

“Even the light can be too powerful, which is why the dark exists to keep it from blinding us all.”

She hadn’t realized that he had been following her thoughts; she was too preoccupied to realize how open their connection had been.

“Is this our harmony?” she asks, rising to her knees, her anger forgotten and moving to place one on each side of his hips. She rests her elbows on his shoulders and smooths his hair back from his face. His arms come around her, one sliding under the loose material of her shirt to splay across the bare skin of her back. The energy between them takes on the familiar hum of intimacy. “One of us never truly light, the other never truly dark.”

He quirks an eyebrow. “But who is who?”

She smiles, “That’s the mystery, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he answers, his voice low. He eyes search every inch of her face, and it feels like he’s trying to learn every detail, every freckle.

His stare is too intense, she has to look away. She looks down and tucks her hair behind her ear shyly. His fingers tighten against her back, pulling her ever so slightly closer, urging her back to him, wordlessly. 

She looks back up at his face but doesn’t meet his eyes. Instead, it’s her turn to take in the features of his face, the curve of his nose, the fullness of his lips. She reaches her hand up to the brutal scar that mars his handsome face. Her fingers trace it, starting where it begins above his eye. She slides her hand lightly against it, gently, and his eyes close at her touch. She follows it all the way down his neck, over his collarbone, where her hand comes to rest against his chest. She finally finds his eyes. 

She thinks about what this means, what they were on the edge of doing. Once they make this step, they can never go back. What would it mean? They were bonded to each other, stuck together on this planet for the rest of their lives. Would it change them? Would they get married? They could no longer ignore thier feelings after this. Everything would be different. 

 _Maybe that’s not so bad_ , she muses and she wonders if he was following her thoughts as she stares him. If he is, he made no indication, he just lets her stare and contemplate. After a moment, he presses a kiss against her exposed shoulder. It’s hot and open mouthed and she trembles. The kiss tells her what he wants, but the choice is still in her hands. 

She falls. 

She wonders if it was this intense for everyone. She doubts that’s possible, because of their connection in the force. If it felt like this for everyone, how would anyone ever stop? She wanted this to go on forever.

They make love slowly, gently, but it burns them alive. His breath on her skin was a promise. His hands traced every inch of her skin, each stroke of his fingers like the stroke of a match. The sensations feed each other with every move of their body, reverberating continuously, stoking the fire. He makes her tremble as they turn and tumble and tangle in the sheets.  She explores all of his hidden secrets; she discovers a tender spot behind his ear that makes him breathe her name. He makes her moan and cry out, sigh and pant as he plays her body like an instrument. His lips and his teeth touch everywhere, his hands learning every curve, every freckle and scar. He commits it all to memory and vows to worship at her altar every night. 

They give everything to each other, endlessly. They rise and fall with each other over and over until it's too much for them to take. The feeling of him inside of her body and mind is enough to tear her soul wide open, bare every hope, fear, desire, and fantasy to him. He shares his dreams, his tenderness, his love. There were no secrets anymore, and there never would be again. 

As the sky turns purple and then orange signaling the sun, they finally collapse, exhausted. Exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. Rey’s whole body aches, and she glances over at Ben. He lay on his back, eyes closed and arms splayed around him. She sees no lines or creases on his face, for the first time in all the time she has known him. His hair is wild, stuck to his face and neck, his chest still heaving. Contentment rolls off of him in waves and spreads like fog onto her, making her feel even more sluggish but warm. She rolls to him, pressing a kiss to his heart and the still angry scar that lives there. His fingers snake up into the back of her neck, into her hair. 

She looks up at him. 

“Do you think it will always be like this?”

His grin is tired, but wicked. 

“I hope so.”

She rolls her eyes, but presses on. “The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.”

He holds her gaze, and moves his hand to her face. “Our flame will never burn out. Our bond is  fuel for the flame to burn forever.”

His lips capture hers again and she sighs against his mouth. She knows he’s right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fans self*
> 
> So, after the main part of this story is complete, I'm wondering if everyone would be interested in me doing some prompts for these two, in the realm of the story? I love writing them and I'm not eager to be finished with them, but I'm not sure I can drag out what I have intended for the main story itself. Let me know and I'll figure out a way to do it for the future.


	8. Part VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks head out* Oh, hello. I am so sorry I did not get to to post this yesterday. It was... a bad day and I just couldn’t finish the chapter in time, so I left it for today. I hope that it will be worth the wait. I think I might have to change the rating due to this chapter.

They sleep for a few hours and when Rey wakes up, she is alone. She stretches her whole body, every muscle and joint screaming at her when she does. Between their angry sparring in the morning and their night last night, Rey wonders idly if she’s going to be able to walk when she gets up.

She glances out the window by her bed, and through the cool fog, she sees the red of Ben’s blade, slicing and turning as he practices on his own.  
  
She sits up and swings her legs to the side, scanning the room to locate her boots. She cringes at the state of her living quarters, furniture knocked over, clothes strewn everywhere. She vows to deal with this later.

Standing and testing her legs, she searches around the room for a warmer pair of long pants and a shirt. She locates her boots and tugs them before pulling her warm wool blanket from her bed and setting out into the morning.

She follows the sound of Ben’s lightsaber, and stopping a distance away from him, she finds a small grouping of rocks near where he’s practicing. Despite the protests from her muscles, she pulls herself on top and sits, blanket around her, watching.

She watches as he moves, each strike deadly. His large, broad frame moving lithely in the morning light, sweat glistening from the skin of his exposed chest. She sighs and rests her head on her knees.

She had wondered last night, and she was struck again at who the man in front of her was.

Together, they had agreed to take the light with the dark and she was surprised at how seriously he had taken it. She expected a struggle, a lot of tantrums from him, but amazingly he had fallen into balance right before her eyes.

It wasn’t true balance, she reasoned with herself, but it was enough to make him a less volatile and dangerous person. He was still more dark than he was light, but she suspected that their bond through the force was enough to bring the balance he lacked. The presence of her light was enough. And the same was true for her. She felt darkness, and their fight the prior day proved that. No matter how much she meditated, there were still feelings of resentment and anger. He kept her in check, however, and often encouraged her light, encouraged her to move past the things that held her back.

Together the made gray.

As she watched him, her thoughts wandered down a darker path. Where did they stand this morning? Last night had been so raw, and as they melded together, she felt like they had been so close to drowning inside of each other.  Their minds and bodies had moved together so seamlessly, it felt like they were the same person, just living as two separate pieces in different bodies. He had once told her that he was afraid they would consume each other with their closeness, and she now wondered if he was right.

She was pulled out of her reverie by the violent ‘pop’ noise of Ben’s lightsaber being extinguished. She looked up to see him walking across the grass toward her, a towel in his hand as he wiped his face.

“You make it very hard to concentrate when you’re sitting over here with those thoughts,” he tells her ruefully as he comes to stand in front of her.

She smiles bashfully and pulls the blanket tighter over her shoulders as she shivers.

“Why didn’t you wake me? I would have come out and practiced with you.”

He looks down and steps closer to her so that he’s leaning against the rock she’s sitting on, bringing them eye to eye. There’s a smile on his lips when he looks back at her.

“I just wanted to clear my head a bit. And you looked so lovely, I didn’t want to wake you.”

“I don’t feel lovely, every part of my body hurts.”

He smiles wider, and she can see he’s trying to fight the pride in his expression. He leans in, sliding his arm around her waist and brushes his lips against hers. She allows herself to be pulled in, his lips skimming down to her neck, where he places a single, open mouthed kiss.

She shivers again and presses her forehead to his bare shoulder. She feels the hum across the bond and it’s almost like a drug, coursing through her veins, slowing everything down and causing her skin to burn everywhere he’s touching.

She groans and pulls away, distancing herself from his bare skin.

“Do you want breakfast?” She asks, trying to find her brain again.

He chuckles, low and deep. “What’s on the menu?”

She eyes him suspiciously, hearing the suggestion in his tone, “Rations.”

He makes a disgusted noise and it’s her turn to laugh.

“I thought maybe we could walk to the city today, though. We’ve been here long enough, maybe we should go and get real supplies, blankets, warmer clothes.”

He nods and he reaches his hand out to help her down off the rock. They walk back to their homestead, stopping briefly before parting ways to their own huts to get ready. Rey isn’t even fully in the door when he comes charging in behind her. She turns, alarmed, and barely makes out a sound of confusion before he’s lifted her in the air and moved her to the bed.

“Ben!” She protests, “What-“

He drops her abruptly on the bed and she glares at him.

“You could be a little gentler,” she grumbles, her body still aching. The feeling from before, the heady fog that had coursed through her outside, has returned, crackling between them.

  
“You also could have just asked.” She tries fighting it as long as she can, keep her head clear.

His smile is a little sheepish, as he bites his lip and looks down at her. His hair is wild, his bare chest so broad, she knows she’s fighting a losing battle.

 _Why are you even fighting?_ She asks herself, and she reaches for him, pulling his body to rest on top of her, her legs opening to cradle his hips flush and his lips are on hers.

Where last night had been soft, gentle, slow, this morning is not. It’s needy, frenzied, lustful.

Their lips move roughly, hard against each other, bruising. Her clothes are discarded without care, adding to the already present disarray of her sleeping quarters.

Rey is so overcome, she can barely focus on what he’s doing to her. His large hands gripping and squeezing as his lips leave her mouth and begin a divine torture on her skin. Her breathing is already harsh and she can’t find her words.

One hand covers her breast while his mouth finds the nipple of the other, and she can only call to him through the bond, her eyes rolling up as his mouth moves to her ribs and bites down.

Her jolt pleasure feeds it’s way to him and he groans, letting his lips drag back up her chest, kissing up her sternum to her throat, to her mouth.

“Let me feel what you feel,” he breathes and she opens her mind fully to him, and reaches back into his mind. She feels his arousal and it pulses back to her, making her more sensitive and aware of his touch. She squirms underneath him, too overcome by the intensity of their combined need.

“Ben, please,” Her voice is harsh, her fingers scratching at his arms, his back. His lips find hers again, brutal and rough as he tries to rid himself of his pants.

And then he’s inside her and she feels the bond vibrate, feeling whole. It feels like peace.

“I feel it, too,” he groans, dropping his body against hers and setting a quick pace that causes Rey to arch against him, her arms around his shoulders to find purchase.

“Feel what I feel,” His voice is barely a whisper and as his own sensations course through her, she wonders how he can even stand it. It feels like a fire poker though her brain, scorching her with need, blinding her, whiting out any other thought besides him and her and the way it feels together.

“Ben,” she chokes out, desperate to find relief. It’s too much and not enough all at once and it grows and grows. His thoughts are jumbled, incoherent and she can feel his desperation, too.

Finally, the sensations come to a tipping point and she falls, plummets, with a cry of relief ripping through her chest. It shoots through her body so forcefully, like electricity and she pulls him down with her, a deep groan vibrating from his chest. He stills for a moment and she feels that hot, blinding light course through him before he collapses on top of her, panting so hard that he’s nearly whimpering.

She feels soft, pliable and content as they lay together, recovering. She draws lazy patterns on the bare skin of his back while his breathing slows and returns to normal. He finally stirs, pulling his head back to look at her.

“I think we may have both died there for a moment,” he says, his eyes serious, but she can’t help but laugh.

“I think we got pretty close,” she allows. She reaches up to brush his hair away from his face, his forehead sticky with sweat. “If it’s like that every time though, someone definitely might die.”

“Mmmm,” he hums, and settles back down on her, his face pressing into his favorite spot on her neck.

They lay there for a long time, content to just lay with each other as their minds mingle and explore through the force.

When the sun reaches the highest point in the sky, Rey sighs.

“If we want to make it to town and back before dark, we really should go. I can’t take another night of ration packs.”

Ben makes a disgusted noise. “Me either.”

After getting up and getting dressed, Ben helps her put her hut back in order before he sets out to his own hut to prepare for their journey.

They meet in the courtyard before setting out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one who feels like Force bond sex would be like... too much to handle? Writing this was intense. 
> 
> Happy New Year to everyone. I hope 2018 is a good one for everyone!  
> Xox


	9. Part IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening, everyone! To make up for missing a day, heres another chapter. I think the next one will be the last one, but we will see. 
> 
> Anyway, the plot returns.

It takes them roughly two hours to reach the outpost. It would be a shorter trip, but the terrain is quite unforgiving. Where behind their homestead lies rolling green hills and trees, the path to outpost is marred with mountains and cliffs, now slick with snow from the dropping temperatures.

Rey enjoys the trip, enjoying the need to climb and slip through small openings. Ben, on the other hand, grumbles and complains most of the way. When the finally reach town, he’s cold and aggravated, while she’s refreshed and invigorated. The use of her muscles helped loosen them and most of her aches are gone.

The market is colorful and bustling. They first stop an outpost for the banking clan, in need of credits for their purchases. Leia had arranged for a small amount of money to be forwarded to them to make sure that they were taken care of. And, to their immense shock, Ben has access to all of his credits, a large amount, being the son of Leia Organa.

“I wonder if that’s a mistake,” Ben mutters as they walk out, his pouch full of credits. He looks around, suspicious. She wonders if he’s expecting to be tackled to the ground for theft.

They explore the market, and Rey smiles in wonder at all the different kinds of people and aliens all around her. Twi’leks and Torgruta, a sinister looking Dug. All different shapes and sizes, hurrying and calling through the market. They move through together, stopping to look at a stall here or there, smiling to each other, their moods easy, in sync with each other. He buys her a frozen Nubian fruit on a stick, explaining how it was a favorite of his as a child, only getting it on certain occasions when they would go to Naboo to visit the homeworld of his grandmother. She offers him a bite of hers, and her heart warms as his eyes light up, savoring the fruit and it’s memories.

They stop at a stall that sells clothing, picking up items to keep warm. The shop owner warns them that the winter is supposed to be a harsh one, which causes Ben to groan and Rey to laugh. Coming from a planet that’s hot and unforgiving, she’s eager for winter and snow with him. Different than her experience on Starkiller Base. Better.

They are walking down a path to find supplies for food when Ben spots a speeder for sale. His eyes light up, but Rey balks.

“We don’t need one,” she reasons, but she can tell she will lose this argument. His complaining the whole trip here and the promise of a harsh winter will not sway him to listen to her. 

She sighs and leaves him to negotiate and she heads down the line of shops, selecting meats and strange vegetables, feeling so odd and spoiled at the idea of eating as much as she’d like and just picking any food she wants. Being a starving scavenger is a thing of the past.

Just as she finishing up, Ben returns, a wide grin on his face. She’s always struck by the sight of him when he smiles, it’s such a rare treat. His eyes crinkle at the corners and his dimples become clearer on his face. She smiles back at him, enjoying the feel of his happiness radiating towards her. The presence of his light.

“Now, we don’t have to walk back,” he announces, quite pleased with himself. 

She rolls her eyes in good humor and shakes her head. “Are you ready to go, then?”

He nods, looking around. “Do you think we got everything we need?”

“Yeah. No rations for us tonight.”

His eyes light up and he leans down to press a kiss to her lips.

—

She has to admit, the journey back is much less exhausting in the speeder. There’s a road that they can back for most of the way and they get home much quicker, before the sun goes down and the cold night sets in. 

When they get back, she sets off to making dinner; a stew with the strange vegetables and meats she bought at the market, while Ben goes off to his own hut for a while to meditate. 

While dinner simmers, she hears her communicator begin to go off.

She walks over and presses the button, causing it to light up and reveal Finn’s face. Her greeting dies on her lips as she sees his expression. He’s smiling at her, but it’s forced, like he’s in pain.

Rey’s eyebrow creases. “Finn? What’s wrong?”

He sighs, shaking his head. “I was hoping I could hide it better. I guess Poe was right.”

“Finn, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Uh, well.” She sees him rub his neck. “Poe wanted to be the one to tell you, but I insisted. I wanted to talk to you. But, well, never mind that now. It’s...” he hesitates. “Is Kylo Ren there with you?”

She twitches at the use of his name, little pin pricks of anger poking behind her eyes. “His name is Ben. And no, he’s not in here with me now. Why? Finn, what is it?”

He sighs again. “It’s Leia.”

Her stomach drops, and she’s immediately nauseous, her heart beat quickening.

“What about her?” She asks slowly, cautiously.

Finn rubs his neck again, looking down.

“She’s not well. She fell ill a few days ago, and the doctors are saying that it’s not looking good.”

Rey’s mouth goes dry. “How long?”

“They aren’t sure. She’s been in and out of consciousness. But,” he hesitates again. He looks uncomfortable.

“What?”

“When she’s awake, she’s asking for _him.”_

Rey freezes. Leia is asking for Ben?

“I don’t think it’s possible for us to come,” Rey begins, unsure of what to do. Would he even want to go back? How would everyone react to him, only sent away a short time ago, returning to see his mother.

But, Finn cuts her off. “Well, you don’t really have an option. There’s already a transport in route to Batuu. Poe’s orders. It should be there in thirty-six hours.”

Rey begins to panic. Thirty-six hours? How is she going to tell Ben? How is she going to explain? Will she be able to convince him? And if she can’t, will she just leave him here alone?

Her emotions are out of control and she becomes very aware of the fact that he will be able to sense her. He will be here any minute.

“Finn, I have to go. I have to go tell him.”

“Wait, Rey. Don’t go yet! I wanted to talk to you.”

Rey feels terrible when she shuts him down. “I can’t. He will know that something is wrong. I have to go tell him.” Finn begins to protest again, but she cuts him off, her voice growing loud. “I will see you soon, okay? Either way, with or without him, I’ll be on that transport.”

She doesn’t wait for a reply, she cuts off the communicator and tries to calm her thoughts. Sure enough, she hears his voice calling to her through the courtyard.

He calls to her with his mind, too, but for the first time in weeks, she puts up a wall. She gets up and returns to her stew, thankful that it hasn’t burned in her absence. Ben doesn’t knock when he arrives, just pushes open the door roughly and advances on her.

“Why are you shutting me out,” he demands, his eyes dark. “I felt something, before. You seem so worried, so scared. What is it?”

She avoids his eyes, stirring their dinner before she begins to ladle it into bowls.

“Let’s eat first, please,” she hedges, offering the bowl to him. He takes it but sets it down on the table next to them immediately and moves closer to her. “Tell me now.”

As she looks up at him, she sees the man she once knew. The angry, impulsive monster that would scream and demand gratification. She’s afraid of who he will become when she tells him. She fights to keep her composure, her thoughts guarded. She feels his anger and impatience growing.

He senses her fears, and takes a deep breath. “Please tell me,” his voice is softer, less harsh.

She sighs and looks away from his face. “It’s your mother.”

His body is frozen for a moment before he takes a step backwards. “What about her?” he asks, his voice betraying him.

She tries to take a step toward him, but he takes another step back. “What about her?” he repeats.

“She’s ill. It doesn’t seem good. Finn says there’s not much time.”

His face is a mask.

“And?” He prompts her, he knows there’s something else.

“She’s asking for you. They’ve sent a transport for us. It will be here in a day and a half.”

His eyes are distant and he makes no indication that he’s heard a word she’s said. She becomes aware of him reaching into the force. Reaching for Leia. 

Suddenly, Rey feels anger. Rage. Resentment. Hurt. They all crash over her and she has to brace herself against the table as the emotions course through her veins.

“No,” is all he says before he turns and leaves her hut. 

She runs out into the night, in attempt to follow him, but he’s already gone from sight. She reaches for him in the Force, but only finds his rage and anger, she can’t pinpoint his location. Then, she hears his lightsaber ignite and she turns quickly to her right, and he’s there, standing in front of one of the unused huts in their homestead. His chest heaving, and she feels his hurt, his uncertainty, his fear. 

He screams into the night, wielding his lightsaber back and slamming it forward, smashing through the wall of the hut. He swings and swings, brutal and violent until there is nothing but rubble. Rey shivers. 

The silence is deafening in the absence of his brutality. She calls his name tentatively, and he jumps, startled and looks at her. His face crumbles and he falls to the ground, dropping his lightsaber, causing it to go out. His head falls to his hands and she sees his shoulders start to shake. His anguish washes over her. 

She runs to him, dropping to her knees and clutching him against her chest as he cries. She tries to be strong, feel calm and steady for him, but she can’t help it. She looks up and the sky and begins to cry, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and bookmarks, I always love reading them
> 
> Xox


	10. Part X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it finally is. I struggled hard with this, I think my brain did not want it to be over. I hope everyone enjoys the chapter. 4000 words and still feel like I could have done more, but I needed to post it for you guys.

He’s trembling, and his teeth start chattering before she can convince him to go inside. She has to support his weight as she helps him inside, past their forgotten dinner.

She guides him to the hearth, in front of the fire and he collapses. She starts the fire, and brings the blanket from her bed and wraps it around him. He’s convulsing as shivers wrack his body and she’s not sure if it’s from the cold or from being so overcome with emotions.

She kneels in front of him and puts her hand to his face.

“Ben?”

His eyes find hers, but they’re hollow, blank. Lost.

“Ben, you have to go,” Rey begins softly but he only shakes his head.

“No,” he repeats, and Rey tries to remain patient, understanding, but she’s struggling. She can’t imagine him not responding to his mother’s dying request. Not now.

“You owe it to her.”

Rey’s voice is firm, and it causes him to look up at her, his eyes finally betraying the storm within.

He sighs, dropping his head into his hands and groans, loud; frustrated.

“Why does she want to see me?” His voice is rough, angry. “What does she think she will see when she looks at me?”

Rey doesn’t mean to, but she ends up answering him with the words his father had spoken to him, on the bridge that fateful day.

“She will see her son.”

He looks at her, his eyes filled with tears that threaten to fall. His emotions feed to her, and she is overwhelmed, bringing her arms around his neck and moving closer to him.

“Show her the face of her son, show her who you are. Let her see what I see. Let her know that she did the right thing, and she leaves behind a son who is whole.” She kisses his cheek and feels his body shake, trembling once more.

She feels his emotions as they see-saw back and forth, going through a gambit of highs and lows. He takes a deep, shuddering breath and pulls away from her and she sees the resolve in his eyes. The change.

He nods his head. “Okay, we will go.”

\--

He stays with her that night, and his hands on her are needy, desperate. She gives him anything he asks for, letting him be as close as he needs to be. She holds him to her, guiding his hips with each stroke as he chases a release, desperate find an outlet for relief.

They don’t speak, words die in their throats with every snap of his hips, every shared sensation. She calls to him though their connection, telling him that she loves him, telling him how good he feels. She begs for him to let go, and when he does, he groans her name, through his mind, and through his lips.

He does not let her go unsatisfied. His lips move down her body until he hovers just over where she is wet and ready. He worships her, devours her, and her fingers weave into his hair as she arches against him, pulling him closer, seeking the friction of his mouth. She whimpers, and moans and he is relentless, determined, until she falls over the edge, with his name on her lips like a prayer.  

\--

Their trip is quiet, taking only two days, but it feels like the longest two days of Rey’s life. They aren’t told where they are going when the ship arrives, and she felt Ben’s uneasiness at being taken away with no promise of where they would end up. Most of the journey passes is silence. Ben has taken to meditating to relieve his stress and Rey tries her best to leave him alone. He never wants her to be too far away, though, always needing her where he can reach his hand out and touch her. Sometimes she holds his hand, following into his meditation with him and relishing in his closeness and the comfort of their bond. Other times, she just sits with him, his head on her shoulder, hand on her thigh, wrapped in her light and her warmth. She hasn’t felt the darkness since the night he destroyed the hut and she is happy, surprised, but happy.

But, as the ship drops out of lightspeed, signaling their arrival, she feels a tension building inside of Ben. He stares out the window at the planet below, looking almost green.

“We are going to Chandrila,” is all he says, dread filling his voice and when she tries to press him for more, he simply shakes his head and looks away, falling into silence once more.

As the transport comes into land on Chandrila, which is a planet Rey has never heard of, Rey notices a large contingent of people waiting for them, next to a large building, a palace. She sees Finn and Poe, but many guards, enough to surround the ship.

The door drops down and as Rey and Ben move to exit, the guards are on them and Ben is roughly fitted with manacles. He doesn’t fight.

“Is this necessary?” Rey asks, alarmed, her arm grabbing Ben firmly, preventing the guards from pulling him away.

“It’s okay,” he murmurs to her; she feels him through the bond, he’s calm now, accepting.  She looks at him and understanding passes between them.

She still doesn’t like it.

Poe walks over and nods to the guards who step back. His eyes apologetic.

“Let’s just get inside. I’ll explain everything once we’re inside.”

Rey glares, but nods, and the group beings to move toward the building. Rey loops her arm through Ben’s as they walk, and the guards drop back. Finn walks ahead of them with Poe, but he glances over his shoulder at Rey’s arm wrapped in Ben’s.

It’s a grand building, intricate ornamentation, lofty ceilings, rich colors and upholstery. Beautiful, excessive.

“Where are we?” Rey asks in wonder, looking around at every exquisite detail of the space around them.

To her surprise, it’s Ben who answers her.

“This is where I was born.”

Rey stops dead in her tracks, causing the entire party to halt.

“Here? You were born here?”

Ben looks around uncomfortably at the group, all of them staring at him. She feels his embarrassment and discomfort at his present company and at being back in this place.

Without another word, she moves to continue walking forward and the rest of the group follows her lead.

_I’m sorry_ , she sends to him across their bond, feeling his jumble of thoughts and emotions. He’s keeping them in check, in balance and she’s proud of him.

He looks at her out of the corner of his eye and she sees the hint of a smile play at his lips _. It’s okay. We can talk about it later._

She lets it drop and Poe leads them to a small room just inside the entrance. They enter, and to her relief, the guards stay outside, allowing the four of them to enter alone. Poe closes the door behind them.

He walks to Ben.

“I’ll take these off now, I’m sorry about this.” He unlocks the manacles and Ben rubs the indents in his skin absently.

“He didn’t need them before and he doesn’t need them now,” Rey begins hotly, but Ben silences her with a hand on her lower back. She shoots him and look but he shakes his head.

“I deserve them here.”

Poe clears his throat. “Well, actually, many did not want you to be allowed to come here. To come see her. She’s been very insistent when she’s awake, and now that I’m in charge, I feel an obligation to grant her any wish she might have. Especially now.” He trails off, his eyes distant. “The manacles were the compromise that we could agree to. If you don’t seem like a threat, the people here are more accepting of you being here.”

Ben nods, and Rey takes a deep breath, breathing out her annoyance and finding balance.

“How is she?”  

Ben’s voice is quiet, his eyes looking at the floor.

“She was awake this morning for a little while, Rose is sitting up there with her now. All she does is ask for you,” Finn says, and Rey can here the accusatory tone in his voice.

“I can take you up now, if you’d like?” Poe asks, glancing briefly at Finn, and his voice is kind, which makes Rey smile softly. It seems like Ben isn’t the only one who’s changed.

Ben nods, and as he moves towards the door, he turns to Rey.

“Just, just wait here. I’d like to see her alone first.” His face is unreadable, but his thoughts are full of turmoil, dread. Fear.

“Okay,” she says softly, her own thoughts betraying her feigned calmness, and he smiles at her, a secret smile just for her.

Once, they are gone, Finn moves closer to her, his face serious.

“What is going on with you two?” He asks, his voice laced with contempt. Rey is surprised.

“What do you mean?” She asks, but she knows what he means and doesn’t meet his eyes.  

“You and him? Really? Baby Darth Vader? You can stand him after everything that he did to you? To me? To the Resistance? We’re all lucky to have come out of all that alive!”

She sighs and sits and the table in the small drawing room.

“Finn, sit down.” She feels tired; tired from their journey, tired from all of Ben’s emotions over the past few days.

He sits across from her and takes her hand. She smiles at him and still sees her friend, handsome and kind, the first friend she’d ever had. But, he’s worried for her.

“I know that he’s done terrible things, Finn. He knows, too. He chose to come home, he chose to abandon the First Order on Dalastine. He did those things for me.” She looks at him seriously. “He has never given me a reason to doubt his intentions since he stepped off that ship. He came home to be better, and he is.”

Finn shakes his head and Rey can tell that he’s not convinced. He squeezes her hand, however, and nods, accepting her answer for now, and she’s grateful.

“Just, be careful. Don’t-” he hesitates, “Don’t get lost. Batuu seems so far away.”

“You can come visit any time,” she assures him and he seems dubious. Rey laughs at the look on his face. “No, really! We don’t have much, we make do, but it’s lovely. No one to bother us, just the country-side rolling all around us. It might as well be heaven.”

Finn shakes his head but smiles.

“Tell me about Rose,” Rey asks. It’s only fair in her opinion. Finn interrogated her about Ben, so now she will ask him about Rose.

Finn smiles and lights up, telling her everything that has happened since she and Ben left for Batuu. How he’s been helping to restore the New Republic. Him and Rose have a little place here on Chandrila, ever since Leia insisted on coming home.

They talk for hours, catching up until Finn insists that she go to bed when she starts yawning.

“I’m sorry! You’ve been traveling for days. I’ll show you where you’re staying. I guess where the both of you are staying.”

Rey rolls her eyes.

Finn shows her to her sleeping quarters and she’s once again awed that a place could be so beautiful. 

The bed is made up of linens that are a deep red, trimmed with gold. The rooms are spacious, and light and Rey feels spoiled, decadent, just being here. Never has she seen a place so grand, never could she have imagined it. 

_Ben was born here_ , her mind races. How did the man she knew grow up in a place like this?

She sits on the edge of the bed and waits for Ben. He’s been gone for so long now, and she’s worried. She feels so tired, but she fights it. She knows he will need her when he comes back. She reaches for him but encounters a wall. But, not a wall keeping her out, more like his thoughts are occupied, they aren’t reaching for her. She still feels sadness, fear, guilt, all radiating down the bond to her, and they weigh her down, they exhaust her. 

She gives in and lies down, and her eyes slipping shut.

_Only for a few minutes._

The next thing she’s aware of is Ben, sliding softly into the bed behind her. His hands are gentle as he shifts her, moving her more fully into the pillows. She sleepily tries to help, but she’s clumsy and sluggish and he murmurs assurances against the skin of her cheeks. She feels him tug off her boots. She feels him pulling the blankets over her. She feels him, warm against her, pulling her to his chest. His chin on the top of her head. His leg moving over hers. She turns her head toward him and she feels his lips on her cheek. 

“How is she?” Rey asks, her hand reaching to rest on his thigh, tracing patterns against the fabric of his pants. 

“She’s asking for you,” he whispers, sounding tired. She feels his burden, spiraling toward her from his mind. “She says she will wait until she sees you in the morning.”

Rey’s hand stills on his leg. 

_She will wait until she sees you._

Rey is struck by the meaning of the words. They are so heavy, she feels like she will crumble beneath them. 

She turns to him, feeling more awake, more coherent. Her hand finds his face in the dark. 

“How are you?” She asks, but he shakes his head. He tries to pull her closer, but she resists, instead pulling him to her, rolling so that she’s in her back, guiding his head to her chest. He melts into her, his arms coming around her and a ragged sigh falling from his lips. Her fingers weave into his hair and he unloads everything he’s being carrying on to her. 

She gasps as she sees Leia, ghostly pale and thin. It breaks her heart, just as it broke Ben’s. She hears snippets of conversation, of apologies and forgiveness. She feels an ache, so painful and acute, the sense of loss and regret, as he sees his mother like this. He cries in his memories and here, against her chest as he tells his mother how sorry he is about Han. She forgives him. He’s sorry he left. She forgives him. She’s sorry that she left, too. He forgives her. 

She feels the dampness spreading on her shirt. 

He tells his mother that he’s found balance. He tells her of Rey. Rey sees Leia smile. It’s what she wanted. Rey and Ben. A perfect match. Leia takes credit for it, the dry wit still there, even so close to the end. She makes Ben laugh. 

The memories become foggy, jumbled, and change. She sees a little boy, with dark hair, running through the halls of this house. Laughing, free. Chewie is chasing him, tall and awkward, lumbering after the boy as fast as he can, being well over 200 years old. Rey realizes that he’s fallen asleep, soothed to sleep by sharing the memories with Rey. She smooths his hair down and rubs her hands over his back, smiling as she watches his dream. He’s peaceful. She closes her eyes and allows herself to follow him to dreamland. 

 

—

 

She wakes before him in the morning, and sets out to find where Leia is on her own. She wanders the hallways for a long time before she encounters anyone who can point her in the right direction. She wanders slowly, despite knowing that she doesn’t have the luxury of time, but she’s too enthralled by this place. She knows Ben, he is the other half of her, but being here in this place, so rich with memories of him, makes her eager to take in every detail.

She wonders if his childhood bedroom is still as it was when he lived here. Before the Jedi Academy.

When she finally locates Leia’s room, thanks to a helpful and kind-faced house keeper, she hesitates by the door, unsure if she can enter. As she hesitates, the door opens, and Rose walks out, startled to find Rey waiting outside.

“Oh!” Rose beams at the sight of her and pulls her close for a hug. “She’s awake, she’s been asking for you since she woke up.”

Rey takes a deep breath and nods, “Here I am.”

Rose squeezes Rey’s arm and leaves her alone in front of the door once more.

Rey takes a moment and steals her resolve before she opens the door.

When Rey walks into the room, she smiles. It’s very Leia.  
  
It still holds all the extravagance of the rest of the house, but it’s warmer, more inviting.  
  
She sees Leia, just as pale and thin as in Ben’s memories, laying on a grand bed with deep purple linens, but she’s smiling.  
  
“Rey,” she greets warmly, even though her voice is weak. Rey moves to sit with her, on the edge of the bed. She looks around the room once more.

Small trinkets cover nearly every surface, showing a lifetime of journeys across the stars. Rey wishes there was enough time to ask about each one, to learn about its home. On the far wall of the bed hangs a painting of a young, beautiful woman, long chestnut brown hair, a kind, clever face, standing next to a lake, dressed in a beautiful gown of the deepest blue. She looks familiar.  
  
“My mother,” Leia supplies softly, following Rey’s gaze. “She was the queen of Naboo before she became a senator in the Old Republic. She met my father, before he was ever Darth Vader and they fell in love. They married in secret, and Luke and I were born. She died giving birth to us, too heartbroken to go on. I can understand feeling so lost at losing someone you love to the dark side.”  
  
Rey looks down at her sadly, taking her fragile hand in her own.  
  
“I traveled to Naboo to find out more about her, just after Han and I were married. I found out I was pregnant with Ben there. Right there, by that lake in the painting.”  
  
This makes Rey smile.  
  
“He was born here, that’s what he told me yesterday.”  
  
Leia chuckles, but it’s an uncomfortable sound that turns into a weary cough.  
  
“Yes. I should have known then; how difficult he would make my life. Thirty-eight hours of labor. I thought Han was going to drop dead.”  
  
She smiles fondly.  
  
“But, he finally came. Screaming and wailing and perfect.”  
  
Rey laughs, “That sounds about right.”  
  
This causes Leia to cough again, this time it’s longer, worse.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Rey says, concerned. “Please just rest.”  
  
But Leia waves a hand at her. “I’ll rest soon enough.”  
  
Tears well in Rey’s eyes at Leia’s words.  
  
“It’s okay,” Leia whispers, her smile sad. “I am ready. I will be with Luke, and Han, and my parents. It will be peaceful. Thanks to you, I can have peace.”  
  
“Me?” Rey asks, incredulous, wiping tears from her face.  
  
“You returned my son.”  
  
The tears fall in earnest now, and Rey has to look away. She focuses on Leia’s hand in hers.  
  
“He was never really gone, you know,” Rey says, and she feels Ben, suddenly, warm but distant.  
  
“I suppose you’re right,” Leia agrees, “But, you still brought him home. You helped him. I never thought I’d see Ben again the way I saw him yesterday. He’s balanced, calm. Kylo Ren is gone.”  
  
Rey glances at her face once more. “I guess exiling him turned out to be the right thing to do.”  
  
“Only because of you,” Leia breathes, and Rey can tell she’s tired. Her time is slipping away. “You don’t have to stay there, anymore. I told Poe, I told him you could go anywhere you wanted. I exiled Kylo Ren, and he’s gone. Ben can be free.”  
  
Rey nods absently, numb, tears still rolling down her face.  
  
Free.  
  
“Do you want him here, now, with you?” Rey asks, but Leia shakes her head.  
  
“He’s already here.”  
  
Rey turns and sees him. Leaning against the door, arms crossed. She can see the tears on his face. She wonders how long he’s been there.  
  
“Don’t lurk in the shadows anymore,” Leia commands and he complies, no longer able to deny his mother anything. He walks closer to the bed and Rey stands, letting him take her place and sit down next to his mother. He puts an arm around Rey’s waist and draws her to him, and she slides an arm over his shoulders. The comfort of her touch necessary to get him through the next few minutes.  
  
He takes his mother’s hand in his and her eyes flutter shut.  
  
“Be good to her, she’s too good to you and you hardly deserve her.”  
  
Ben looks down and smiles despite himself and Rey sees Leia peek one eye open at him before she smiles, her eyes drifting shut once more.  
  
“May the force be with you, always,” she whispers and Rey is overcome with a feeling so pure and light that she has to steady herself against Ben’s shoulders. He grips her waist and she feels it washing over him, too. His breathing is labored, and she can tell the overload of light inside of him is painful, overwhelming. Rey, on the other hand, relishes in it; it feels like a summer’s day, by the water on Batuu. She feels Leia and Luke around her and she can’t help the smile that spreads across her face. There’s peace.  
  
And then there is nothing.  
  
Both of Ben’s arms come around her now, and she feels him shaking against her. She clutches him tight and opens her eyes to find the bed empty and a hollow feeling has taken the place of the purity she just felt.  
  
“Where-?” She begins to ask but Ben takes a deep breath and pulls away. He glances at the place where his mother had laid and shakes his head.  
  
“She’s joined the living force, now. She became a part of it, she let go and became a part of everything around us.” He turns and looks up into Rey’s eyes. “I never knew she was so learned in the ways of the force,” he adds, almost wistfully.  
  
Rey presses a kiss to his forehead and then pulls him against her once more. She presses her cheek to the top of his head and just holds him, absorbing his loss, his despair. She feels anger, resentment, but he’s keeping himself measured, calm. After a long moment, his mind clears, and she feels peace and acceptance. She loses track of how long they stay there, absorbed in each other, before there is noise stirring behind them. Rey glances back to see Poe, his eyes sad. Finn and Rose, his arms around her as she cries.

Rey pulls away from Ben and walks to Poe, bringing her arms around him into a hug. He squeezes her tightly, before letting her go.

“Are you all right?” She asks, knowing how much Poe had looked up to Leia and he nods, but Rey knows that he isn’t. Not at all.

“She’s been saying goodbye for a while now,” he tells her, “She was just waiting for the two of you before she could go.”

“Now, she will be with us always,” Rey whispers.

Rey looks at Ben, still sitting on his mother’s bed, looking more like a child than she could have ever imagined, and she’s glad that Leia waited. She’s glad that Ben agreed to come.

She walks back to him, placing a hand on either side of his face and tilting up upwards to look at him. She kisses his tear stained cheeks before kissing his lips, and her thoughts are calm, happy, and he receives them, and she feels his own acceptance and there is no anger, or pain. He is free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, everyone is going to get their wish. There will be a small epilogue for this story and I should have it up by Saturday at the latest. Thank you again to everyone who commented and encouraged me, I've loved writing this story for you.


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the epilogue. I hope everyone enjoys this last installment, I’m sad to say goodbye to these dorks, but I feel like their journey is complete. Thank you again to every single person who clicked on this story and gave it a try. I love you all.

People came from everywhere.

From every corner of the galaxy to pay their respects, from Kashyyyk to Coruscant, thousands came to Chandrila.

Ben stayed away, refusing to let any of the grievers know he was there. He didn’t want to make it about him, he didn’t want to distract anyone.

She stays with him, not wanting him to be alone. He fights with his own emotions, lashing out and apologizing in nearly the same breath. He’s made peace with his mother but still struggles for the peace within himself. Rey sits quietly, allowing him to unload his burden, taking it onto herself when it feels the most explosive. It lessens, with each passing storm.

—

The next day, they head home for Batuu. Rey tells Ben what his mother had said, about how he could go anywhere he wanted to, but he just shakes his head.

“She told me that, too,” he tells her softly, “But, Batuu is home, now. It’s home with you.”

He kisses the smile that spreads across her lips.

—

She asks him, almost afraid, what his mother said to him.

To her surprise, he doesn’t get upset or angry.

“She just told me that she understood. She apologized for leaving, and leaving me susceptible to Snoke. I told her it wasn’t her fault. I shouldn’t have answered the call to the dark. But, it’s too much of who I am now.”

Rey pushes the hair back from his face, her favorite gesture to find him inside himself, “I don’t think that’s true anymore. There’s both, just like me.”

He shakes his head. “There’s more dark than light. There always will be. I fight every day.”

“I know.”

—

They settle in again, their routine falling back to what it once was. They spar and meditate, and some days are easier than others. Winter is harsh, as promised, so the long nights and short days have an effect on both of them. Ben more so. They share a hut and a bed, but some nights he still asks to be alone and she always tells him it’s okay. He doesn’t have to ask. He insists.

—

One day, as the weather turned warm, Rey returns from the outpost to see Ben rebuilding the long destroyed hut by hand.

“What are you doing?” She ask with a bewildered smile on her face. “We don’t even use this one.”

He steps back, wiping the sweat from his forehead on the back of his hand.

“It’s broken. I broke it.”

“That’s okay,” Rey assures him, walking to put her arm around his waist.

“It isn’t. I can’t give you a palace like on Chandrila, but I still want you to have the best of what we can have.” His eyes are dark, distant. The bond between them, so effortless and constant, rings with uncertainty from him.

She thinks of arguing, telling him she already has the best, but she refrains. This is what he wants.

“Okay,” she answers and kisses his cheek. She reaches in her bag from the market and pulls out two of his favorite: the frozen fruit on a stick.

His eyes twinkle.

—

When summer comes, so do Poe, Finn, Rose and Chewie. They stay for a week, and Rey shows them all of their favorite spots. She takes them swimming, they visit the market.

Ben, again, stays away, unsure of what to do or how to act around them. They hate him, he tells her at night on the fourth day, when she asks him to come swimming again with them the next day.

“Let them see what you’re really like,” she pleads, “you’re only making it worse by avoiding them. Chewie asks for you.”

He denies her nothing.

He goes with them, and behaves awkwardly, aloof, until Chewie lifts him roughly and tosses him into the lake. They all laugh and so does he, despite himself. Poe speaks with him, but Finn does not. Not everyone can forgive so easily.

Ben answers questions about the First Order, Poe is eager to hear everything. Rey can feel how uncomfortable he is, how tense he is. But he does not get angry, he keeps his calm. He pushes those feelings away.

That night though, after suppressing his feelings, he falls apart.

He comes to her, shaking, eyes black, and she feels everything so acutely. His remorse for the things he’s done to other people. For every life he’s taken. It’s a black hole he’s falling down and she has to dive into the darkest parts of him to keep him from succumbing.

“I thought it was gone. I thought I could move on,” he pants against her chest as she holds him. She’s shaking too, his feelings infecting her, making her feel her own pain and regret.

But, as he feels her falling, he surfaces, finding his light and calling to her.

“Don’t,” he breathes, kissing her face, her mouth. “I’m sorry.”

She shudders and nods, shaky from the overwhelming feelings still coursing through her. Falling so dark and being pulled by the light, the imbalance leaves her weak and unsteady.

“It’s okay. I should have been stronger for you.”

He looks into her eyes for a long moment.

“No. I must be stronger now, for us.”

They make love slowly. It’s tender, but hungry, as they chase away the darkness in each other, desperate for relief and satisfaction.

—

She’s sad when her friends leave, but she’s also relieved. She’s happy to fall back into the routine with Ben.

He’s rebuilt the hut and made improvements to some of the others, and it finally begins to feel like their home.

—

As the weather turns cooler once more, Rey begins to feel off. She’s convinced that it’s the change in weather, but it feels like something else.

Ben begins to look at her strangely, when she becomes too tired to spar for long periods of time. She’s distracted.

Her clothes start to fit wrong, and one morning, it dawns on her.

Ben is already gone when she gets up, and she wonders where he’s gone. The speeder is here, so he must not be far. She leaves him a note.

She takes the speeder to the outpost, and finds a medic who confirms her suspicions.

She feels relief. And panic.

When she gets home, she finds him sitting on a bench he’s built, around a small fire pit in the middle of the courtyard. She goes to him, not shielding her mind, and slides gently into his lap, a knee on either side of his hips.

His eyes widen and his hand comes across her stomach.

“Really?” He breathes, and Rey nods, closing her eyes and feeling into the Force. She wonders how she didn’t know before, because as she focuses, she feels it. A small, but steady pulse through the Force. She hears him gasp and he pulls her closer, tucking his face into her neck.

“I never knew I would want this,” he whispers to her, and she feels a warmth, radiating from inside of him. 

“Me either,” Rey answers, holding him tighter. She feels his light, and for the first time, it’s stronger than his darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you and I love you guys. 
> 
> I’m not sure if I’ll write another fic, and if I do, it will be something completely different, but still always these two forever. 
> 
> Hopefully, I’ll see everyone soon. <3


End file.
